This Is Me

Trying To Breathe (Part Three)

Trying To Breathe (Part Three)

"I'm sorry. For lying," I muttered, taking a small sip of water as I watched Blaire sit down beside me.

For a moment, we both sat in silence, and I took the moment of silence to close my eyes and try to regain order in my body.

"I wouldn't call what you did 'lying'," Blaire said after a few minutes, and I felt her move around next to me.

I tilted my head and looked over at her to see that she was already looking at me. Her arm was propped up, and she was resting her head on her hand.

"What would you call it?" I questioned.

"Not telling the truth," Blaire said after a moment with a smile on her face.

"I think that's classed as lying." I let out another chuckle as I watched Blaire shake her head.

"No, no, no. You just didn't tell anyone. If you don't talk about it, you can't lie about it."

"I... kinda said some stuff though," I spoke slowly, but continued quickly, before Blaire could interject. "I don't know if Andy or Leroy told you, but a while ago, to get them off my back about dating, I may have told them that I had a thing for you."

Immediately after the words had come out of my mouth, Blaire burst out laughing.

"You know, I did hear something like that in the rumour mill. Not directly from those two, but there was definitely something circulating."

"Those assholes told other people!" I harshly whispered, and Blaire had to contain her laughter again. "I lied about that to them in confidence!"

"Well, it worked a charm!" Blaire said with a much softer laugh as she swung her legs behind me to lie on my bed and shoved her face into one of my pillows.

"I hope I never..." I trailed off, laying back down beside Blaire to ease my stomach, and after a few seconds, Blaire shook her head.

"Oh, no! Pete, I never... I mean, I love you and all, but not like that!"

"Oh, okay. Good. I just thought that if you had heard and thought that—"

"No need to worry," Blaire cut me off with a snicker. "You're like my brother. Plus, there's this guy a year below us who is super-hot, and I may have my eye on him."

"That's good?" I was unsure of what to say.

I was glad that Blaire hadn't thought I had romantic feelings for her, as I'm sure that would have made things awkward between our friend group and us. However, the mention of her 'having her eye on' a guy, made my stomach drop slightly. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I could take a few guesses.

My first would be because I also had my eye on a guy, as much as I wished I didn't. It wasn't healthy for my friends, or me, because it could make things uncomfortable for everyone.

My second guess was, to put it simply, I had no idea how to talk about these kinds of things with anyone. Yes, I had talked about girls that I 'liked', but this was different. Mainly because I wouldn't be lying. I was still accepting myself for who I was, and in the situation, I was in, I didn't have anyone to talk about guys to.

"Okay, we're not there yet, good to know!" Blaire chuckled again, and I looked up at the ceiling.

"It's just... I don't know how to talk about guys, you know? Or any of that stuff."

"Well, that's fair. I guess you've never really had the chance."

I turned away from the ceiling and looked back at Blaire, seeing that she was now staring at the ceiling. It was a weird sensation laying with someone who knew who I was. It was pleasant, but it was also a little terrifying. I wanted to know what she was thinking and how she was feeling. Blaire had said that me being gay wouldn't change anything, but I couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts from telling me otherwise.