This Is Me

A Confession To Myself (Part One)

A Confession To Myself (Part One)

A small, shaky breath slipped through my slightly parted lips as I stared, unblinking, at the flashing red light on the camera that was staring right back at me.

"God, I thought this would be easier." I sighed, hearing my voice crack and shake while doing my best to calm my racing heart.

I had no idea why my heart was beating so fast in the first place, or why I was so nervous. I was alone in my room, and I wasn't planning on showing the video I was making to anyone. At least, not for now.

For now, the video was only for me. I needed to get something off my chest, and I needed to hear myself say it out loud. Something I hadn't been able to do yet.

"It's just me and the camera. How hard can this be?" I asked myself, unsure as to why I was talking aloud.

Maybe it was my brain's way of trying to calm my nerves, or perhaps it was the unfamiliarity of recording myself. Either way, I was glad no one was home to hear me.

It hadn't been long since my parents had come and told me they were heading out to do some shopping. Telling me that they were going to be out for a few hours and that my brother would be going with them. They had asked if I wanted to go too, but I had declined. I would finally have the house to myself, which was the perfect time to make this video, something I had felt the urge to do for a very long time. It felt as though it was something I needed to do.

"All right. Let's do this."

I sighed once more as the words left my mouth, and I closed my eyes, taking a few more moments to calm myself down.

It wasn't working.

My right leg was jumping up and down on the spot, and I had placed my hands in my lap, having them grip each other tightly, trying to stop them from shaking uncontrollably.

Maybe I did know why I was so nervous, but I didn't see why I had to be. This video was just for me. It was to help me accept who I was. Why should that make me nervous?

"My name is Peter Stone," I started, though I was unsure why I stated my name. "God, that was stupid. This is stupid. I don't even know what I'm doing. Or what to say. I guess... I'm scared."

Saying that I was scared was odd. I had never admitted that to myself before—at least about this—but it was the truth. I had been hiding something all my life. Hiding it from the outside world and even from myself. Trying to push it down and be the person everyone wanted me to be because I thought that was the right thing to do. I thought I was the wrong one.

"This should be easy to say. This should be easy. Why isn't it easy? I shouldn't even have to say this. It's so stupid."

I took another shaky breath as the hypnotising blinking of the red light on the camera continued to flash in my eyes. I was wrong when I thought that doing this would be more comfortable in front of a camera than in front of people.

"I have no idea why I'm doing this. I should be happy and content with my life. With who I am. Hell, I have nothing to complain about. My family is well off, my parents are still happily married, and my brother, while a massive asshole, is still a good brother. But I'm not happy. Because I have to lie every day. To my family. My friends. And myself.

I've been trying to wrap my head around who I am for a long time. Something told me making this video would help. Hearing myself say it. But I don't know. I keep thinking I need to be what society wants me to be. And I've tried so hard to be that person, but I just... don't think I can."

I trailed off as my words faltered. My heart continued to pound in my chest.

An endless barrage of self-doubt was now bouncing around in my head, causing me to wonder if I was ready to say it aloud. If I was prepared to accept who I was.

Doing my best to shake the thoughts away, I took another deep breath.

"I want to be okay. Maybe this is the first step. Or, more of a confession to myself. So, for the lack of a grand speech. My name is Peter Stone, and I... I'm gay."

My heartbeat sped up as I said the words, and though I was sitting alone in my room, only in the company of my camera, it felt as though I was waiting for a response. Or maybe it was because it felt as though I should say something else, but I didn't know what.

I could feel the heat in my hands and the sweat that had formed in them, as well as the beads that had begun slowly rolling down my face.

Not knowing how much longer I could sit in the ear-splitting silence that had descended on my room, I quickly stood up and turned my camera off, causing the flashing red light to falter instantly. Not waiting another moment, I hurriedly turned on my heel and slipped out of my bedroom.

I took a deep breath, and I could already feel myself calming down as I stood in the top-floor hallway that sat just outside of my bedroom. My bare feet sunk into the soft carpet that greeted them and my eyes swept across the adjacent wall. There before me hung a series of family pictures and baby photos. Pictures of a family that didn't know my secret—A family I was terrified to tell.

Deep down, I knew they wouldn't care, or at least it felt that way. Maybe I just hoped they wouldn't. Hoped that it wouldn't be a big deal to them. My mum had always been so loving and supportive of my brother and me, no matter what we wanted to do. She probably wouldn't even think twice about me being gay. She'd even encouraged my brother to take up ballet when he was younger because all he'd wanted to do was dance.

My father was no different from my mum. He'd convinced my brother to keep doing ballet because it made him happy seeing his son happy. I honestly doubt there was anything I could do that would disappoint my father. Much like my brother and mother, he wasn't one to judge anyone harshly or look at them in a bad light until proven that he should.

In all honesty, I probably had no reason to be scared to come out to them, and yet here I was. Shitting my pants at the thought of them knowing.

Tearing my eyes away from the photos, that hung on the wall, I looked down the hallway. My eyes skipped past my brother's and parent's bedroom and landed on the spiral staircase that led to the rest of the house. Having the urge and need to get further away from the camera that held the freshly recorded video, I hurriedly walked toward the stairs.

Passing more family photos and a series of colourful paintings, I came to the top of the stairs and started on my way down, skipping four steps at a time.

Soon, I found myself at the bottom landing in another hallway, though the one I was now standing in was quite a bit wider than the one upstairs. At the other end of the hall was a large wooden door with a colourful window gracing its frame. In a short while, my family would be entering the house through that door and, hopefully, I would be in a better state of mind by then.

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A/N: The beginning of the re-write...

It's going to be fun.

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This parts cover comes from the amazing and talented: IllusiveFiction