"And we gon' show you what love is,
Stay high,
Go for what you know,
Let it in your mental,
And don't ever let it go..."
-
Harry's POV-
I didn't want to leave her, but I had things to do. The look she gave me when I dropped her off at her apartment hurt, and I couldn't believe I let myself get so wrapped up in her.
I knew this time that I had to keep my promise. I was in too deep.
I still didn't even really know how I felt about it. I knew I wasn't good for her, but I couldn't stay away, and it looked like she was having the same problem. She was attached, and if I didn't want to see her hurt, I had to stay.
It was starting to feel like a lose lose situation no matter which way I looked at it.
If I stopped seeing her I knew she would be so hurt, but if I kept seeing her there was a likely chance that something terrible was going to happen. It was all too complicated for me to try and wrap my head around.
I had never been the type of person to think too far ahead about anything. I usually just did what I wanted in the moment, and dealt with the consequences later. I didn't care what happened to me or anyone else as long as I felt good.
Everything was always about the present. What gave me pleasure in the moment. But she changed that.
Since I had met her, all I could think about was the future. What was going to happen between us? How was I going to protect her? How was I going to keep everything secret?
It was like I couldn't get her out of my head, and it was starting to eat at me.
I didn't know what life would look like for us if I kept up the relationship. I had to think about my actions, because they were going to effect not only me, but her too.
What were we going to do? Get married? She would have a horrible life being married to me, and I wouldn't be able to keep her a secret from everyone. What if she wanted kids? I wouldn't be able to give that to her.
I felt responsible for her, and it was terrifying.
I was ancy the whole way back to the bar, thinking about all the things that could go wrong. The fact the opening day was not even twenty four hours away didn't help.
I need to tell Cali about that.
There was a lot of things I needed to tell Cali that I couldn't.
There were things about me that she could never know, and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable lying to her. That part is what made things difficult.
How could anyone have a relationship based on lies? Everything is just so fucking complicated.
If she ever found out about my work, she would be in real danger. That wasn't just something I could sit back and watch happen. I couldn't let her get hurt.
She would get roped into the lifestyle without a choice, and you never leave unless you're dead.
I knew that feeling well. It's like you're stuck, and there is no hope. No way to get out. I couldn't let her get trapped.
Before I met her, it felt like I was stuck in this never ending cycle. Like I was on a carousel that went around and around forever and never stopped. It was a shitty way to live, and sometimes I thought it might be better not to.
Since meeting her, it was like I had purpose again. Like she needed me to be there for her. Maybe it was me just trying to justify letting her in my life.
