"But I crumble completely when you cry,
it seems like once again you had to greet me with goodbye,
I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise,
take my hands off of your eyes too soon..."
-
I gasped as I rose up in bed, searching around the unfamiliar room, not realizing where I was. My lungs ached as I tried my best to get in the air my body was so desperately asking for, but it felt like no matter how hard I tried, my lungs were unable to retrieve it. It was like the oxygen around me had turned to water, and I was drowning in my own body. It was like the one thing I needed to live was being ripped away from me.
My chest hurt from how hard I had been dry heaving. That was the third time that night I had woken up in a panic, and my body felt like it was falling apart. Nightmares tended to take a toll on me physically and mentally.
I rarely had multiple nightmares in one night, but I assumed that what I had witnessed the day prior had brought up old memories. They tended to get bad when something triggered my anxiety.
"Cali, it's okay." Harry wrapped his arms around me, just like he had done the first two times I had woken up.
He held me close as I laid my head on his chest and cried. He ran his fingers through my hair, rocking me slightly as he hushed my cries. I wasn't quite sure where he had learned this, or if it was just an instinct.
It was usually easier for me to calm down when I had multiple nightmares in a row. I tended to understand that I was safe quicker.
When I finally calmed myself down, and my lungs didn't feel like they were going to collapse, I peered up at Harry who was staring back at me with tired eyes.
"Can I have a cigarette?" I whispered, my voice cracking from all the crying.
He furrowed his brows, looking back at me slightly confused. I hadn't ever really smoked around him before.
"Please?" I pouted.
He had that signature smirk on his face, as he dragging himself out of bed, nodding for me to follow him out onto the balcony. Even though it wasn't very tall, it was still a beautiful view, and you could still see the city lights from the buildings.
There was a small table and chairs on the ledge with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter sitting on it. I watched as he picked up the carton, before taking one out and placing it between his lips. I kept my gaze on him as he lit the lighter, cupping his hands over his mouth, making sure the wind wouldn't blow out the flame.
He took a long drag as he lit the end of the cig, taking it out of his mouth, before blowing out the smoke. He flipped the cigarette around in his fingers, handing it to me. I took it eagerly, putting it between my lips just like he had done a few seconds before, keeping my eyes on his the whole time.
I inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke coat my lungs, before trailing out through my nose and lips as I let the air out. They tasted like shit, but the feeling I got when I did it was worth suffering through the taste. It was like a split second of bliss.
"You've done this before?" Harry questioned, leaning up against the railing of the balcony.
"Yeah, a few times." I laughed.
I smoked a lot when I got nervous, especially after my dreams. I tried quitting a hundred times over, but it was no use. I did worry about the long term effects, because that was the type of person I was. A worrier. But I only smoked when I felt like I really needed too.
They were very fucking addictive.
