365

jan.14.22

Hello. It's currently 12:42am as I write this, and I have to be up at five to get ready for work.... Long excuse short: I can't sleep.

So, since I can't sleep, I was doing as one does: scrolling social medias until my eyes felt tired enough to crash.

I was on Facebook, of all things. For shits and giggles, since it's a new day, I checked my Facebook Memories.

The thing the caught my attention was simply a picture of fire I posted in 2014. Liked by people not on my friends list.

One of these people was a girl I had a crush on all through school. So, being the person I am, I tried looking on her profile to see what she's been up to, but I can't because of privacy settings. Last I heard of this person, she was set to marry a man I refer to as a dumbass, and she asked me once "Hey, we're engaged; you can be one of my bridesmaids, if you want."

Needless to say, that was seven years ago. God knows what's happened since then.

Small side story: the day I was going to tell her I loved her was the day she told me she had a boyfriend. This boyfriend is the previously mentioned dumbass. Talk about bad fucken timing.

I guess I'm just curious: has she thought about me since we last saw each other? Does she get the sudden thought to maybe reconnect, if she only had the guts to send a message? Does she regret the way things were left off between us? Has she ever cared about me the way I have for her?

All good thought provoking questions, but questions that will never receive answers. I will never know unless I make the first move. But I can't. I can't because I don't want to be let down, learning she never gave a fuck, and she believes I'd be wasting her time, and she's confused as to the timing, am I asking for money? Compensation of some kind? Why now, after all these years?

It's a weird feeling. It's unpleasant. It's a constant battle of, was I ever good enough to make an impression, in the same way she had on me. Was I that worthless, that she could toss me aside like garbage, effortlessly?

I don't think I'll ever know, unless I prepare myself for disappointment. Maybe then, I'll make the first move. Maybe then, I'll be the first to send a "Hey, how's it going?" But until then, all will remain as it is: weird, confusing, and sitting uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach.