365

mar.12.22

Lullaby sat on the edge of the riverbank, her knees to her chest. She didn't want to bother the Company, so she quietly slipped away a while ago, needing a quiet place to collect her thoughts, and find a way to silence them.

She didn't know how to explain what happened, and she hated it: she felt things from her world, emotions and things of oppression and sadness – the family that didn't want her, the angry things they said, the depression of dealing with being stuck in a place she wasn't wanted. All of the scary things that had made her want to never wake up, the night she woke up in The Shire and was found by Bilbo Baggins.

The night she felt alive.

Sudden thoughts and voices drifted to her head after supper, when the Company was telling stories by the fire. She wanted to listen to them, but she couldn't focus from all of the toxic things drifting in from her old life, the world she never wanted to go back to. He didn't want to cry in front of them, so she silently slipped away, finding the nearby river.

She heard the crunching leaves and twigs of something walking in the bushes behind her; she jumped at the sound and turned, just as Fili emerged from the trees. His bright blue eyes softened once they spotted her.

"Lullaby," he said as he walked over to her; he sat down beside her. His eyebrows furrowed; he leaned forward, and gently using his thumb, he wiped tears away from her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.

She shook her head; she couldn't speak clearly without tears building up in her throat. Fili pulled her against him, and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"I'm here," he whispered to her. "I'm here, I'm not letting you go, I promise. I promise, I'm here."

She cried into his chest. She let it all out; she couldn't help it. The fear of feeling worthless, of being treated like garbage from drunk and drugged people who were like zombies of their former selves, of feeling so alone – she cried because of everything she had been trying so hard to escape from.

She felt Fili's hand against her head, his fingers running softly though her hair. He was humming gently, and she recognized the song as the one Thorin sung at Bilbo's house when she first met the dwarf Company: Misty Mountains Cold. Her uneven breathing leveled, her tears easing up. Fili smelled of black cherries and birch, which was the dwarf's blend of pipeweed. She could hear the wind in the trees, and the rushing river water. She could hear Fili's heartbeat as if it were her own.

She felt grounded here with Fili. He brought her back down to Middle Earth, to the only place she wanted to be.

Fili looked at her. "It's okay, Lullaby. I promise you." His hand held her cheek. "I won't let the monsters get you."

She held his hands and smiled at him; she liked how Fili referred to bad thoughts. "Thank you, Fili. Thank you for keeping the monsters away."

He held her closer to him, as close as possible, trapping her in a bear hug she never wanted to leave from. "Until my last day, Lullaby."