Random Experiences - 2022

Murky Waters

I don't know what it is, I'm trying to figure it out, but lately, I keep away from deep connections. I leave things on the surface. Too much feeling or closeness and I get jittery.

And to be honest, it's affecting my relationships with the people close to me. I feel distant and somehow feel comfortable in that distance.

But then, sometimes, I look around me and it's lonely, and the ones close to me want to feel me and connect with me but there's the pain in them as I kinda push them away.

It's the murky waters I'm wading through right now.

I reflect on several aspects of my humanity - things like connection, meaningful and deep relationships, love, feelings, and emotions, and I observe how I understand little to nothing about what's going on inside me this period.

I've kept away from friends. I've cut off communication from lovers. I resigned from work (I had this coming). I've become a near-recluse. I only converse with my siblings, and I'm almost certain it's because we're living under the same roof.

I'm not even going to struggle with anything. I'll just conclude that this is a phase of my life and I'll live it out. After all, there have been times these last few months when one would have tagged me "the life of the party" and there wasn't a complaint about goings then.

I drown myself in books and movies and stay indoors for days without seeing the sun (except for the tiny rays that penetrate my rolled-down curtains. I rarely eat because I rarely get hungry. My next option is to snack but I'm on a very lean survival purse and can't afford to snack at the moment.

So I read up more and watch more videos. I almost fell into the temptation of trying to find relevance by choking myself with online courses but my head spoke to me with serious aches and I had to pay attention. I shut down the courses.

I don't know what this is, but I'll just live through it as best as I know how to.

I was supposed to visit a friend cum lover today. I called and didn't get a response or a returned call. The problem is we had a fixed date (for today) and I had mentally arranged my plans, so my having to wake up to "nothing" leaves me almost useless.

I kinda have a fixation on schedules or plans. Deviations without explanations leave me deeply ruffled. Don't make plans with me and bounce without notifying me.

I'm just glad I didn't make the move of hitting the road before placing the calls.

This is the catch on all this. I end up making excuses for her not responding to calm my nerves and my overthinking mind. Else, I'd begin to think of a million and one reasons why she's silent, and you can be sure they're not pleasant thoughts.

The flip side of the coin is I wouldn't place much emphasis on any plans of hers and my petty nature will want to plan a payback (if it turns out to be a flimsy excuse in my opinion).

And that's how I drift from relationships. It's these stupid reasons I hold on to that become the log in the eyes of the relationships I'm invested in.

She's a spontaneous person. I don't know if she thinks through things but she just comes into decisions on the spur of the moment, while I'm the kind of person who'll say, "let me see how things go or what options I have."

So it's a clash for us most times, and cos I place understanding on a high scale of things, I try my best to understand and shift grounds when she makes spontaneous decisions that include me (but are not harmful or overly resistant to my already existing plans.

There's no saint or demon here. Just two people living lives on different spectrums while trying to sync and create intersections of moments and memories.

There have been times when my "planny" ass ends up killing all the fun out of life.

Like one time we were at this beach, and she saw this horse guy who rented his horse for rides. She immediately became giddy and started running to bargain rides.

I started some shit on how we didn't budget for it (she hates the word "budget" because of me 😏🥲), and how we planned on chilling by the waterside and walking in the cold sands and blah blah blah. Mama just paid for herself, climbed the horse, and zoomed off.

At first, it wasn't a bother until I watched her gallop with childish glee and it hit me a little sadly how I had just missed having that experience with her because... "plans".

The last vacation we scheduled, I tried doing the spontaneous thingy. I just called her out of the blue and said we were going to travel and she should make plans for us, travel arrangements, accomodations, tourist sites for visits and all (she's the event planner - I'm mostly interesting in an introverted way 🥴🤤).

When the day of the vacation started drawing close, I got so into the plans and ended up frustrating her efforts.

Our travel was cancelled, because of me. And plans.

So there's that thin line of balance I try to maintain that makes me consider her when she makes sudden requests too;

Like cancelling my weekend plans of lazying in my boxers at home to go be with her and help her wade through emotional times, or to be with her because "I'm lonely and it's killing me," or because she bought some spices and plans to cook a new recipe but wants to "share it with somebody special."

Relationships are really not my forte. Ironically, I've almost always been told by my lovers how that I'm a great guy and the lady who finally marries me would be "lucky" to have me to herself, but I think I'm getting pretty selfish these days for anyone to consider themselves "lucky" to be around, or with, me.

I've just been through some shit and feel I need to spend some time with myself.

I low-key miss human connections (that are not familial) even though I want to be alone.

Life and paradoxes... 😏😏