Random Experiences - 2022

Home - 26/05/22

I feel at home, here, in this small village of Ekosodin in Benin City. Far away from home, and yet at home. It's at times like this that some truths come to me at the heart level.

Home, sometimes, isn't where we stay. Home is, sometimes, who we're with.

Joshua is here. Samuel is here. They are my siblings. Tega, Joshua's girlfriend (and my heart friend) is here. I'm comforted by their presence. We aren't eating the best dishes. We aren't going to the best of places. But my mind is at its calmest. I am happy here, with them.

I live with Sammy and Joe lives with Tega. I'm currently reading Akwaeke Emezi's 'Dear Senthuran', and Samuel is working off his phone. I have little to no idea of what he's doing, aside from the knowledge that he's in the cryptocurrency space.

This night feels like peace. It smells like peace. It looks like peace. The rain fell some hours ago and this has made the weather very cool. I'm wrapped up in a multicoloured body wrapper I took from mum's room before leaving Lagos.

Sam wears my joggers and is shirtless, his well-crafted body almost reflecting the light from the white bulb in the room. He plays a mix of songs cutting across genres and locations through his portable Bluetooth speaker. Bella Shmurda's 'Vision 2020' just finished blasting through the air, minutes after listening to J Cole. Now, BurnaBoy's 'Level Up' energizes the atmosphere in the room.

I wish I can loop this moment over and over again, save it like the songs on my phone to be pulled out and played anytime I need this feeling in the future.

Earlier in the evening, I was laying in bed and reading when I felt caught up in the ecstatic wave of this happy and settled feeling. I rolled onto my back and waved my hands in the air to the music Sammy was playing. At a point, I felt restricted and had to get out of bed. I locked the door and danced in the darkness to the rhythm of my heart. There was no right or wrong way to move. I just moved as my body wanted to at that moment. Sammy soon dropped his phone and joined me in dancing.

We moved through songs, shuffled our feet, and twisted our bodies, each of us lost in our different worlds while sharing the same space here in this world. It felt so beautiful. So homely. So freeing. So relaxing. So bodily.

It's a different kind of feeling when you can finally be yourself in your body. I don't feel threatened here. The world is filled with news of chaos in so many areas. Right this moment, the South Eastern part of Nigeria is on the verge of turmoil, what with the unnecessary killings and violence that's going on there. But in the whole saga, I feel peaceful.

Ufuoma sounds right tonight. I'll be doing a change of name affidavit soon. I'll be officially taking up Ufuoma as my name, and going forward, it's what I'll be introducing myself as.

I mentioned in passing how that if I lived to 30 and finally lost my mind the way I wanted to (or gained?), I'd do a vasectomy. A part of me wanted to taste the words in my mouth, to hear myself verbalize the thoughts I've gingerly carried for many years now. A part of me wanted to see how that thought will be received if and when I decide to go through with it, gauge the reaction of the people who matter to me, siblings first, all else are just the rest.

It was little wonder why my heart fluttered when Sammy said after seconds that seemed like days, "Well, it's your choice sha. Everybody with his opinion. For me, I just want two kids. I might decide to do something like that after the kids come."

It wasn't that an opposing opinion from him would make me change my mind. It just felt so surreal seeing how we've all grown in our mind space despite the victorian (read as stuffy, prudish, and hypocritical) systems we grew up in. When I say I love my siblings, I don't just say it in faith. Time and time again, they give me reasons to make that claim a verity. One of the things I love about them, about us, is our live-and-let-live philosophy to life. We recognize our individuality and have a wholesome respect for each other's choices.

I don't feel the biological need to produce a child with my sperm. It's why I think of opting for a vasectomy in the future. I'm giving this some time because, (1) I don't have money for the procedure at the moment; (2) I want to come into full acceptance of this decision. I want to be sure it's what I truly want and it's not just a passing thing. I don't feel it's a passing thing though. Whatever.

I once said that home is where my heart is. My heart is with these ones. These ones are here. Here is home. This is home.