Random Experiences - 2022

Restless - 05/01/22

It's this restlessness, this goddamn restlessness in my chest. I've tossed in bed for over an hour and can't pinpoint whatever the heck's keeping me awake. I've finished a can of cold maltina. I wish it was something stronger. But no numbing though.

So what the fuck's keeping me awake? And I can't process a serious inflow of thoughts this period. I tried to read and discovered only after I got to the end of the article that I read through without actually reading through.

I scrolled back up and saw pictures and gifs I couldn't even remember seeing as I scrolled through the article. So it's a NO-NO to reading this night. Then what the fuck's wrong?

My first disturbance for the day started with a nasty comment from pop's interference into my siblings' discussion and my spontaneous and harsh rebuke.

Can't a man have some peace discussing lightly at the base? Must you taint everything you touch with your stale air of decayed dominance and relevance? That was my first ish for the day.

It brought back memories of my ruminating days. Days I endlessly talked to myself and planned how I was going to stab or mutilate a man.

Some days, you think you've eaten a meal and forgotten about the smell, but then you belch and the conc. putrefying odour fills up your lungs and nostrils. Today was one of those days.

And there's the issue of guys calling me up for a return to work and having a thousand and one reasons for me to do so without ever listening to my explanation of a need to be away from prolonged exposure to high tensioned or stimulating environments and situations; including work and people.

Like I fucking need a break from stimulation and pressure. How is this not simple enough to understand? And one says, "you've spent over one month already. That should be enough."

Really? Enough? So now you decide what's good enough for me? And I try to understand their perspectives and frame of references, but puh-lease, can I have a break without you guys trying to guilt-trip me into feeling bad for TAKING A BREAK TO REST? Like what the fuck?

And I don't want to ditch my sim card to avoid all the calls and all, but if push comes to shove, I might just do that to maintain my sanity. Abeg. This life na one. If one dies, someone else takes over. Na simple arithmetic. Abeg!

And there's the issue of everything getting so fucking expensive, and not necessarily because they're expensive, but the sellers, I observed, just find this dark pleasure in hiking prices unnecessarily...

Why am I ranting about this gan? Na kuku their market.

I think overall, what's hitting me is the pressure to be "productive" again. Like I got this free learning privilege from Coursera and I'm suddenly swarming myself with so many courses to read and complete. In my head is also the idea of continuing the Back to Society project with one of the beneficiaries, and sending out proposals to schools about mental health awareness, training, and speaking engagements.

All these coupled with the fact that I already put myself on a 6-month time frame is setting me on the edge again. Looking at all that's before me and the seeming lack of professional support and resources to go through with it all.

I think the best thing to do is to select one course at a time and give it my focus. And for the school's project, I can start with drafting a proposal; one for the teachers and one for the students.

I'll need to come up with a subject matter that's relevant to kids in this area though. I'm not doing this for some praise-chasing shitty stuff. I really wanna help these kids mehn.

Like these guys don't have to go through some of the things we went through. I feel like one of my duties in life is helping humanity evolve into a more humane species, and what better way to do so than interacting with dynamic and flexible minds?

Having poured out all of this, I feel relieved in my chest. I think I'll just get myself a nice movie to watch and relax till I fall asleep. I'll just leave the thinking work for tomorrow.

And about income and finance, I still am not bothered, somehow. Life is designed to take care of its own. I'm not even going to stress about that.

I feel this journaling has helped a lot tonight. It cleared the restlessness, helped me process my feelings and thoughts, gave me clarity on the next steps to take in achieving some tasks, and ultimately brought some calm.

My eyes are still wide awake, and I'm grateful there's no alcohol or hard drink here. I would have just ended up numbing all of these, and God knows what form the repressed feelings will manifest as in the future.

For now, I'm done, and out.