I still don't have a job. I am still happy with myself. I still have my friends and lovers. I have not steadily kept up with my 100 day writing challenge. I have stopped working out. I had a therapy session yesterday and the goal is more understanding and clarity of self. I miss Sœur. Queenie lost her mum and I'll be travelling in two weeks for the burial ceremony. I don't know how best to comfort her other than to be with her this period. Her very close friend is getting married today and I feel like somewhere in her mind, she'll be made to remember how we planned on making it to the marriage stage someday. I think she'll be happy-sad today.
I'm having conflicting feelings for a lover of mine. She has decided to take things seriously with her boyfriend and I have chosen to respect that decision. They have their engagement and wedding dates planned out already. I'm allowing things to cool off gently between us so she can focus on her relationship. The last time we met, we had sex and we didn't feel deeply connected as usual. When we talked about it, she said she remembered making a promise to her guy to keep off from other guys, and that was the reason why she couldn't connect as usual. She shed a tear or two and thanked me for being a good friend to her. I didn't also feel it because she had disclosed her commitment some days ago. I'm giving her space to ease me off her system cos she mentioned her deep fear was that she wouldn't be able to sexually connect with her guy as deeply as she had with me. We spoke recently and I guess she detected the coldness in my voice and tone of the message. I still love her as my friend but I'm not sure I can evade sexual tensions if things get heated between us. I think I'm trying to protect myself too so that I don't get too attached to her. And for the record, this is no poetry stunt or fictional bs. She is the first and only sexual partner I have. I don't know why I lied to myself in previous entries. I wonder what I was trying to downplay or upgrade in my person. Maybe it's the need to feel desired. Maybe it's the longing for risk and adventure (a contrast to my truly boring life). Whatever it was/is, I think I'm getting over it. I'm comfortable with my life at the moment. Do I have desires for adventure? YES. Do I want to have a ride on the edge of the cliff? YES. But would I lie about stuff especially in this private space and to myself? NO, or better put, not anymore.
My lil bro is in some form of emotionally harmful relationship breakup process. He observed obsessive possessiveness in his lover and tried to work things out. It didn't go well and he decided he couldn't continue the relationship. He called me before notifying her and poured out his frustrations about the whole thing. Having looked at the facts, I analyzed the situation with him and we anticipated some setbacks if he went ahead with the separation. True to our prediction, the babe almost took her life by drinking a dangerous insecticide, she physically abused him at his workplace (he sent me photos of his swollen face and a tear in his neck), she's defaming him in every possible way she can, she recently played the pregnancy scare card, and she reached out to me on Facebook saying she has some information about my bro. I called her and scheduled an online meeting for the evening (I was busy throughout the day). She agreed but didn't show up. I'm thinking of playing the devil here. I think she's overreaching already (and I can be psychologically brutally devilish if push comes to shove). I wore my counsellor hat and tried to find out about her history. It's not so pleasant, but then, family remains family to me. And I don't joke with my pack! Never that! I can be the nicest and meekest human but I keep my venom tank full for a reason too.
That said, I was thinking of relocating to the South of Nigeria, and sort of becoming an "experience-nomad." Btw, that's a term I coined for those who seek new experiences or novelty or stimulation by constantly changing location. I had a rethink though and would probably stay in Lagos to get a job. I may make the move though. I'm not sure of anything for now. What would I do when I relocate? Well, that's part of the experience. I don't know yet. Things like this get decided on the go. It's all about making the best of soups with whatever ingredient life makes available to you.
I think that's all for now. Oh. I miss Ibk. She and her guy recently had a split and she's back from her official leave. I feel like I don't want to be all up in her face this period, even though a part of me wants to still be close to her. What's with all these dual feelings and me keeping people at an arm's length? Well. It is what it is. I just feel she's in an emotionally vulnerable place right now and I can be extra-supportive and it can lead to feelings arising. It's not like I don't think of her in deeper ways than just casual friendship. I just think most Nigerian ladies are marriage-pressured and I don't want to add to that conflict. If a lady is down for being close friends without the topic of marriage coming up, then it's not an issue for me. And by close friends, I don't mean sexual partners. All these terms are so complicated though. I'm almost sexually attracted to all my female friends in varying degrees of intensity. It might not be an everyday, all-day affair, but I have thought about almost all my female friends sexually at one point or the other. Fleeting thoughts, passing glances, checking them out physically... Do I have these attractions? Yes. Do I act on them? No. Women are great and spectacularly unique. I have made it clear several times that I adore and worship the woman's body. It intrigues me every time. So yeah, I miss Ibk and wish we can have some time to connect as friends. It's been a long time since I last saw her in person, and I have these books I intend to give her.
I think I'll end this here. My life is pretty just going on fine. I was reminiscing and I discovered that in the last three months, I have lived the life I said I wanted to live when I resigned from my last job. I have quality alone time, I am reading as many books as I want to, I'm catching up on my interests when I feel like doing so, and I exercise my brain in doing research work for a colleague at the counselling school I attended. She asked me to bill her but I didn't. For one, I price my time heavily and it can't be bargained. So I chose to help her out and she pays me for airtime and data expenses. Plus I don't want to feel obligated at this time. I don't want the pressure of deadlines and all.
So here's to more dreams, and more living.
🥂
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Random Experiences - 2022
Non-FictionThis is a random journal of an introverted explorer of experiences.
