Random Experiences - 2022

Strange Ease - 24.03.22

I slept around 9 pm and woke up some minutes past seven in the morning. This is not the first time I've had this kind of prolonged sleep, but this is the first time in a long time I slept this long and felt refreshed. It's like my whole blood was drained and replaced while I was sleeping.

I woke up feeling at peace with my world.

I have remote research work that gets me some money to take care of my necessities of food and sustenance. I am staying with Josh. My mind is at rest. I can fully be myself here. I am near Âme Sœur and Queenie. Dan is around though he'll be travelling back to school very soon.

This is what I want. This state is Ease.

And then my mind reacts. It's not forceful, but somewhere, in the cranny of the dark, I sense an unease. Like guilt. Like unworthiness. Like this doesn't feel right. Like why should I be this peaceful in the world? Like I'm so used to managing clashes of emotions and overwhelming peace yanks that control leash off my hands. This leaves me with nothing to do, and I'm not used to doing nothing. I'm not used to sitting back and enjoying the view. I feel like there must be something to always do.

My stomach pits slightly and turns like a sleeping snake's trying to stir itself awake.

This is a new way of being. While my body seems to accept it, my mind is still in the process and it seems like it's pulling the body into its neither-here-nor-there state.

The message comes: You will have to learn to live without looking over your shoulders. You will have to learn to inhabit heaven and not think of taking excursions to hell. You will have to learn to accept love and peace without fighting back. You will have to learn a different kind of surrender. A surrender into life.

Post Edit:

The fuck... And just as I hit the publish button, I receive a video notification from a channel I subscribed to recently, Christina Lopes. Guess the title?

"When your mind blocks your awakening."