Random Experiences - 2022

Push and Pull - 05/02/22

What's this craziness? What's this madness? This high and low? This up and down? Twirling me like I'm the roller coaster.

One day I'm fine with being around people. Fine with being with friends. Fine with seeing people smile and probably being the reason.

And the next? I'm pushing everyone away. I self-destruct and blow up whatever piece of intimacy I have left with people.

I honestly do wonder, what made Queenie stay this long with me? No matter how hard I pushed away, she seemed relentless.

I'd have broken my sim card and deactivated my social media accounts if this was, say four years ago. Probably hinting a few of my acquaintances that I was shutting down.

This thing, this flux. Do I have to fight it as something abnormal or do I accept it as part of being normal?

I've been up and thinking. Thinking of how to do a voice or video recording of my parting words to people and blow up the thread of friendship and connection we have.

And the feeling is so intense like it's a life mission or something like that.

Or riddle me this...

How do you wake up to the thought of things like this?

"I'm a burden to people. I don't want to be close to people. I don't want people getting all up in my business as close as they've been. I can't take this level of closeness. I need to cut people off."

I think I was triggered by calling a friend yesterday and not getting a response. And this was coming after a promise of "I'll call you back" two days ago and not getting a call.

And then I got to watch a fucking movie where I saw myself almost mirrored in the character. The emotionally unavailable person who pushes people away and keeps relationships at surface-level because of the fear of getting to like people and bring them into your space... I think it's the fear of being vulnerable.

And I almost hate being vulnerable. I hate it. It opens me up to so many things and possibilities. The possibility of getting too close and intimate with another, and the possibility of getting heartbroken.

And this is not just male-female love shit and all. This happens with my male friends too. It's even worse with them.

I love deeply and passionately. I am a deep lover at heart. But the hurt that comes with this? I don't think I can take another hit anytime soon.

But that's the fuck-up. I fell in love again. And this time, it was with a people.

Is this me grieving my departure from work?

I remember my boss (funny how I still refer to her as "my boss") once told me in raw unbridled emotions,

"Get it into your skull that people care about you, that people love to and are concerned about your well-being. You can't just go off without saying anything or informing anyone. We are worried about you and it's not fair on us."

I could swear she was on the brink of shedding a tear. Her eyes were glistening with tears.

But that's where I slip off. Because when I sense that level of deep care, I shut down the more. I back off faster. I retreat more hastily.

I'm tired. I need people. I need the comfort and company of friends, and yet I destroy it when I'm blessed with it.

I'm tired.

Who knows? I might still send those messages. Or not. But who cares? Others may, I don't. Even though I want to, so desperately want to care.