Constantly Recurring (Perpetually Series #3)

25

Chapter 25

I know what I feel

And it's stronger than any other feelings I've experienced. It's too powerful. Too dangerous. It's so strong that I became afraid because I love too much.

I know I like him as well

Pero anong kapalit? I'm so sick of the commitment. Paano kung sa simula lang pala? Paano kung lokohin niya ako? Paano kung hindi pala consistent? Paano kung puro pagmamahal na naman ang paiiralin ko? What if mapabayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko?

Paano kung maubos ako?

What if I lose him because I'm not enough? I'm too broken? And he got tired?

Is his feelings real? What if he knew all my terms and conditions and found it hard to deal with all of it?

"Ang hirap mong mahalin"

That voice echoes through my mind over and over again. It made me feel worthless again. For a second, I forgot how I feel during our birthday night. Naalala ko kung ano ang mga kulang sakin at kung ano ano pa ang mga possible kong magawa.

Love has brought me to dark places.

It made me feel numb. It made me seems heartless.

Minahal ko nang sobra si Kyler. He was the first guy I ever loved and adored. I told myself before that after him, I'll never be able to experience the love that I wished to have.

Kyler was kind. He cares for the people around him... Before I broke up with him, I kept telling myself that he'll change and I kept hoping for the good in him. But sometimes, we can't keep holding on with the goodness of people and convince ourselves to bet our souls to making them better..

We are not a repair shop, most importantly, again, We are not an insurance policy.

The emotional damage was so vast that I'm almost sure it'll happen again because I don't deserve that kind of love.

"May problema ba tayo.. Charlotte?" Kyler asked "Okay naman tayo nung nakaraan bakit biglang naging cold ka? May mali ba sakin?"

How do I got to tell him that one day, I woke up and all the passion I invested all through out the relationship suddenly went gone? That I feel nothing but tiredness and numbness.

How do I tell the person I once gave the whole world that I fall out of love?

"Are you breaking up with me.. Charlotte?" He looks afraid.

I never left him in the entire relationship. We had ups and downs. But I never even once— left him.. because we promised each other than we'll stay no matter what.

But it was a promise I made when I was a child.

I was 14 years old.

"I'm so sorry Kyler" Tears aren't even coming out this time

I heard a cry. A loud please and constant asking of why. Why all of a sudden.. at bakit ko siya iniwan. Kung saan ba siya nag kulang... magbabago daw siya.

He kept trying to talk to me for a few days. But I wouldn't. Desidido na ako. Ayaw ko na talaga.

I thought the feeling of finally being recognized and finally having acknowledged efforts was a satisfying one. But I was wrong... the efforts should be recognized in the first place. We shouldn't beg for it nor long for it.