tw- mention of weight, body shame, self hate, stretch marks
"honey?", holland walked up behind me, meeting me in the kitchen while I was washing the girls bottles
"hmmm?"
"I thought that maybe we could take a bath? what do you say?", holland whispered placing kisses on my neck
"no you go, the girls will wake up in about half and hour and I'll need to feed them"
"but I want you.. in the bath.. with me", she spoke lowly deepening the kisses on my skin
"another day, okay?"
"okay.. well my offers still stands if you change your mind"
the minute that holland had settled into the bath the girls began fussing
"there we go", I chuckled to myself, before entering their room "are you just so happy to see your mommy!", I giggled down at their bright smily faces once they saw me leaning over their cribs "oh my little sunshines.. oh come here", I pulled them both up and into my arms, laying them on the change table "you're going to have to be patient with me, because your mamma is in the bath"
--
"someone looks happy", holland chuckled, undressing before me, then slipping into bed beside me
"I haven't sat down all day", I breathed
"you should have joined me in the bath", holland was lent up on her elbow, running her fingers through my hair
"yeah", I hummed, my eyes becoming heavy at the feeling on hollands fingers "before I forget, I didn't pump so I've got night shift"
"okay my love", she nodded, pulling up my shirt
"what are you doing?", I stopped her tugging the fabric back down
"what do you think I'm doing?"
holland tried again but my grip on the fabric was too tight
"we always sleep naked.. why have you stopped since we've have the girls?", holland withdrew her hand cupping my cheek
"it's just easier, you know getting up three times a night.. I don't want to be walking around the apartment all the time", I lied
"you used to"
"holland don't argue with me, I'm tired and I just want to sleep, the girls will up in four hours, please.. just let me sleep", I rolled over facing the other way
"darling.. my angel.. I wasn't trying to argue.. however I do know that I haven't touched you properly since they were born.. and I don't just mean sex, I mean holding you.. I miss you laying in my arms every night.. what's going on sweetheart?", hollands voice was gentle and kind. I heard it all, but I pretended to be asleep
--
"good morni-.. good morning honey? why are you dressed like that?"
"I'm going for a run", I spoke simply pulling my hair up in a ponytail
"it's ninety degrees, are you sure you want to do that? also you have your six week check up tomorrow and Erin said you should wait, it may still not be safe", holland walked over to me, concerningly taking my face in her hands
"holland", I pushed her off "I have all of this weight and-", I paused myself
"you have what?", holland whispered looking at me sadly
"weight.. on my shoulders.. I just want to go clear my head", I corrected
"well then why don't you take a bath", holland avoided the subject knowing that I was lying to her
