I couldn't stand the silence that was bearing down on me once Sarah had shut the door.
The silence making tears brim in my eyes.
I was usually too proud to cry.
my hand quickly gripped the side of the table, my knees almost giving way only to hear the doorbell.
I took a few deep breathes, praying that Sarah would be on the other side.
"hi honey", beverly spoke calmly
"Bev", I breathed "what are you-", I stuttered
"oh holland", Beverly interrupted wrapping her arms around me, letting me sink into her embrace "I can't believe that you haven't been talking to me about all this", she pulled back
"yeah, well", I shrugged
"lets sit down, I want you to tell me everything", Bev smiled gingerly, taking me hands leading me to the couch
"can I get you anything?", I sniffled
"holland don't change the subject, talk to me", she squeezed my hand
"I lost my job, and I can't get another one", I cracked
"god I can't believe it. I am so sorry", she sympathised
"it's fine", I sighed
"it's not fine holland, it's not nothing. your job is your whole life.. it's almost like you've lost a part of you"
Beverly understood. something Sarah couldn't do.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do now"
"why didn't you tell me about Sarah", beverly asked nervously
"I didn't think you would understand, I didn't want you to tell anyone", I rambled
"holland we have been friends for over thirty years. there isn't a thing that I would judge you about"
"I know", I chewed my bottom lip "how did you find out?"
"the magazines", she nodded sadly
"go figures", I chuckled annoyingly
"where is Sarah?"
"she's in New Orleans filming.. well she actually left about ten minutes before you arrived"
"you don't sound to happy about that"
"we had a fight", I closed my eyes briefly
"what about?"
"I got a couple of weeks off at Columbia, so I went to New Orleans with her, the photos on the plane came out so I left, not wanting to loose my job.. I got back, got fired, I called Sarah she was screaming at me because I wasn't answering her calls and I made her worried. I told her I lost my job. She flew down and we just kept fighting.. I don't know whats going on", I covered my face with palms, groaning
"and apart from the fight, how are you two?"
"I don't know anymore", I spoke quietly "you know when she left, she said 'we only fight when we're apart'.. I think she's right"
"like if you're not physically together then you fight?"
"fuck this is so frustrating", I whined
"holland, talk to me", Beverly demanded sternly
"it's all my fucking fault.. it's always my fucking fault
"why is it always your fault holland?"
