"would you like to explain to me what the fuck is going on!", I screamed slamming the door behind me
"what are you doing here, you scared the shit out of me", holland stood up, her hand still placed on her chest
"we're not filming tomorrow so I got the first flight out", I spoke dropping my bag walking over to stand in front of holland
"and that's how you greet a woman who just lost her job, why am I not surprised", holland scoffed turning away
"god holland I am so sick and tired of this attitude that you seem to have lately", I groaned
"what attitude", she snapped
"this 'oh my life's so shitty, I have nothing, you don't even love me anymore' attitude. do you know why that make me feel?", I spoke in a mocking tone
"how dare you", holland spoke taking a quick pause between every word
"I am so sorry that you lost your job, I really am. But this isn't my fault! you can't take this out on me just because you are hurt that is not fair! this is supposed to be a relationship, not a game of blame!"
"but Sarah it is your fault! it's your job that got me fired. It's your job that has ruined every chance of me ever teaching again!", hollands voiced cracked at the last words, something about reality broke her
"I didn't do anything! I didn't get you fired the photos did! the paparazzi got you fired, my job got you fired but I.. I didn't do anything!"
"that doesn't even make any sense", holland shouted
"I am not my job! my job does not define me!... just like yours doesn't define you! You are so much more than your job"
"well that easy for you to say, you have a fucking job!", she scolded
"why don't you just apply somewhere else", I spoke calmer
"because it's got out that you were my student.. no one will hire me if they think that I'll fuck every little girl in my sight"
"is that what you think of me.. that I was just a little girl that you wanted to fuck"
I said it confidently, but inside I was hurt.. or maybe even paranoid.
"no! how could you even think that", holland gritted her teeth while her fists closed tightly in anger and frustration
"holland no one is going to know that I'm your student unless you tell them"
"it's in the papers", she spoke simply "you didn't see them?"
I shook my head.
"god sometimes I feel like you're living under a fucking rock!"
"no it's just that I don't care about what the papers say. I don't get caught up in rumours.. I'm too mature for that holland"
"are you saying I'm immature", holland said while her eyes shifted, not being able to stay in focus
"what happened to you holland?", I whispered
"what do you mean?", she paused
"these last few months you've changed.. you used to be so strong, not caring about anyone else's perception of you. You went out, you had fun, you were brave.. and now.. it's like you've lost yourself.. what happened?"
"I met you! I moved here! I have been so caught up in you and your happiness, you're success! I've forgotten about myself! it's you! You made me loose myself"
I could process those words.
my love for her had changed her.
"I don't want to be the person that broke you holland", I muttered chewing my bottom
"well you already have", holland snarked while shrugging
"well then maybe I should go", I took a big breath as I felt the walls caving in
"maybe you should", holland agreed folding her arms
I walked to the door, placing the strap of my bag on my shoulder
"you know", I turned her way, already half way out the door "we only seem to fight when we're apart"
I stood there a moment, hollands eyes burning through me as mine burned back.
all I wanted to do was stay, leap into her arms and apologise, but this time it wasn't my fault. I can't keep blaming myself for her issues.
This time it's up to holland to get on a plane and beg for me to stay, because I'm tired of the run.
I'm tired of having to convince her that I love her every time I see her again.
I'm tired of only feeling loved when I'm physically with her.
I'm tired of it being my fault.
I'm tired of this relationship.
I'm tired.
short chapter I'm sorry.
exams are almost over!!
