Infatuated with a God

Chapter Ninety-Four

TW // Self Harm

I couldn't sleep, not for the first time in my life and likely not for the last. I had been sitting here for hours now, completely lost in thought and mostly unaware of just how early in the morning it had become. My mind had been racing for hours and what was initially anger had faded into pure concern. Whilst Kaya had retreated back into herself last night, it was reminiscent of a similar period of time months ago, which is why I had been mostly frustrated at the time. I merely thought it was simply pushing me away, that it had more to do with the conversation we had before she left than the mission itself. I never thought she could have been so badly hurt. Yet, none of it made sense. I couldn't comprehend why she would hide what they did to her, ignore the cuts on her arms and just pretend. More than that, Romanoff had said she reviewed the footage and nothing too significant occurred. She hadn't been lying, but to check I asked FRIDAY to show me the footage. I watched it for hours, trying to find any length of time in which this could have happened. I tried to ignore the women and children chained to walls and drugged out of their minds. Pushed through the disgusting scenes around her and focussed on her injuries. For the most part she just moved from room to room with a purpose. Under different circumstances I would have found myself proud of her efficiency. Every move was calculated perfectly, every enemy taken down with precision and skill. She moved gracefully, a million miles away from the woman who fought me on that clifftop, though her bravery was similar. My little Valkyrie indeed.

Still, the cuts on her arms, the torture she must have faced, it hadn't been there when she left. I couldn't understand when it had taken place. Thinking the footage must have been redacted so well not even I could recognise the deceit, I did something I really wished I could have avoided. Even if listening into people's minds and thoughts had become second nature to me, I avoided it here. Not at the beginning, though I didn't use it often due to my own arrogant beliefs. Since I'd bettered myself, since falling for her, I avoided it. But desperate times. I knew it was likely to wake her more, I'd been making sure she dreamed of nothing for the most part, worried that the images from today would haunt her too much. I wanted her to rest whilst I figured out what to do about the entire situation. For now all I could do was hope that she didn't wake too much. So I watched through her head, and went further than I should have done. I experienced our conversation before she left through her eyes and her emotions. I knew that it was wrong and she'd likely hate me all the more when I admitted it in the morning, but at the time I couldn't help myself. I needed to know how she felt, everything that happened the night before and leading up to the mission. Even if I knew it was a thinly veiled excuse for my own insecurities. Deep down I knew it was because of the lack of response to what I said to her.

I could feel her worry when I snapped as I did, her eyes following the book I threw to the floor. Gods it hurt how much she cared. I couldn't put in words the feeling it gave me, but it felt like my heart ached at the emotions she felt. And then I told her to tell me to stay and I felt it. I felt her hope. It was so very brief before she forced it back down, kept it hidden and ignored it. Still, it was there and it felt glorious. It was also a relief. Part of her, however small and however ignored, wanted me to stay. No matter how often Thor could tell me that, I could never have been sure until that moment. Even if it hurt how quickly she ignored it, I came to expect that. Kaya ran from anything too real, too painful, at any given moment and while that frustrated me it helped to know what she ran from. But then I truly noticed throughout the conversation what she did. Every emotion she felt, every single one, she pushed away. Ignored it and forced herself to feel complete nothingness. I heard her actively try to do it, telling herself she'd deal with it later the entire time. It was... confusing. I understood to a certain extent and I was familiar with the concept. It spent years pushing down various emotions, refusing to deal with them in the slightest. It was the worst time of my life and I'd deal with the consequences of those years likely for the rest of my life. To know she did something similar haunted me. Anything she deemed too strong or too difficult to face she would systematically ignore in order to feel nothing.