Infatuated with a God

Chapter One-Hundred and Five

Loki

I held this idyllic notion on Midgard that all of the peace I found there, all of the self-discovery done, meant that the very real hardships I faced here wouldn't impact me as much as they once had. And whilst I openly held some anxiety about returning, some of which I had expressed to Kaya, I still believed myself capable of overcoming my previous shortcomings. However, I truly was not prepared for the tidal wave of anxiety that hit me as soon as Kaya was granted citizenship. There had been many occasions on Midgard that I allowed myself to indulge in the possibility of a future with her. When spending time in her presence it was easy to become wrapped up in the idea that with her by my side life could improve. Which meant that despite how much she ran from me, regardless of the times she hurt me, when she returned again it was still very easy to be misguided by my own fantasies. Still, I never dwelled on it for long, the belief that she would never entertain such ideas keeping me grounded in reality. Any time I felt myself becoming lost in grandiose ideas of our future I'd simply remind myself that she was mortal and she could never want such a life with me. That just because she stated she may want to marry, may want to have children, that she would never consider doing so with me. A recurrent dream of hers changed that. It meant I found myself entertaining the idea more and more, dwelling on the various paths that could lead us to that future. To a house that sat on a cliff, overlooking the sea. To her standing in my arms, her stomach swelled with my child.

There would only ever be one path to achieving such a goal. I would have to formally announce my courtship of her in a ceremony in order to wed her. We would then be married a year and a day later in a handfasting ceremony. Then the only remaining obstacle would be to persuade both my brother and the Allfather to grant me possession of the final elixir of the Æsir. But my position added one final obstacle. Before any of that were to occur, she would have to be tested to see if she could cope with the responsibility that would fall to her. Thor had no woman and showed no sign of taking up a political marriage, which meant that for the past three years the throne of the Queen sat vacant. Had Thor formally court, his partner would be appointed acting Queen Regent until they wed and she is appointed Queen. Without him doing so, had I marry that position would fall to my wife. And Kaya was Midgardian, with no knowledge of Asgardian politics, history, or customs. If she were deemed unworthy by the Allfather any marriage we had would be unofficial until either she proved herself worthy or Thor formally applied for courtship. Without my title, there would be no burden, and for the first time I wished I had a different life. That she would not have to shoulder such responsibility. Even with Odin seemingly changed, had she be deemed unworthy I would never be considered wed. Any political marriage could still be forced through, and though I was saved from such fate once does not mean that things couldn't change. Had war be on the horizon, the duty of political marriage would likely fall first to me, had the Allfather wished to prevent the third party from securing a direct heir to the throne of Asgard.

I'd lived my life aware of such a fate existing as a possibility and cared little for their repercussions. Once I even chased it as a way to secure a stronger claim to the throne myself by securing heirs before my brother. I never believed I would consider marriage as anything other than strategic. Never thought myself capable of loving someone. Now there was a woman I held in my heart, and all I wanted was to make her my wife. To raise children with her. Not for some throne, but because I wanted them with her. But to do so, she'd have to take up so much on Asgard. As my father stated it was all I wanted, and everything I feared. The moment she decided to choose option three everything changed. She had no idea that she would be tested for the position of acting Queen Regent. I was grateful to my father for not telling her, but he had done so to allow me the opportunity to explain to her. But as I watched her stand up near the throne, and heard the flurry of thoughts that followed, I knew I couldn't tell her. Not yet. I would eventually, I told myself, ignoring how they too felt bitter on my tongue. As she worked the court, introducing herself and making polite conversation even to those who were rude to her, I allowed myself to hope more than before. That following night I let myself get lost in the fantasy. Holding her tight to my chest as I cast the memory of her dream around us while she slept.