Infatuated with a God

Chapter Seventy-Five

It's a wondrous and idyllic notion that if you put faith and trust in someone completely then together you can make it work. It's in all the media that humans consume, when two heroes come together to fight against evil. Even raised by Hydra, on missions the Winter Soldier would sneak me books to read and so growing up I would learn about such a trope. Which is why when Loki stated that we would do this together, I found comfort. Because it was a notion that was familiar and felt safe. Reality is often different. For the first time since we started getting close Loki fell asleep before me. Often he barely got any sleep and still functioned well, something I would have assumed was an Asgardian thing if I had never met Thor. But he over strained himself when he accessed my memories and showed the others. Then instead of continuing to recover he used far too much seiðr to keep me calm and feeling safe. It was interesting that a being who almost killed me just under a year ago would now overexert himself just to help me. A human who he would have killed with no hesitation and for no reason other than he could. Yet I felt like I wanted to trust him with my entire being. Yet I was easily falling in love with him. The reality was that no matter how many times I promised to put my faith in him, there would always be a part of me who could never trust him. Not only because of his past, but because I couldn't trust anyone.

That is what I came to realise as I sat and watched him sleep. Something I was sure he had done countless times and could finally understand why. The way he looked so peaceful, so young. As if all the years of heartbreak and misery he suffered faded away as he slept beside me. A strand of jet black hair fell across his cheek, and I found myself tucking it behind his ear like a strong magnet my fingertips were drawn to. In that moment I found myself with far more clarity than I had possessed since my time on Asgard. It was like I could see everything that had led me to this moment and could branch out after it. I'd been running from him, not because he had to leave me one day but because I already didn't want him to. I told him and myself that the reason was in case I wanted a future he couldn't give me one day. It seemed ridiculously obvious now that the real reason wasn't because of a future he couldn't give me, but the one I desperately wanted with him. I'd spent my life always on edge, even when I was resting I never was able to fully relax. Around Loki I could. He'd been so honest with me, opened himself up to be vulnerable with me. He allowed himself to trust me. I desperately wanted to do the same. It's what I promised him I would do. It was the least I could do. I could clearly see a future where I spend every night in his bed, in his arms. Spend every day reading and learning by his side.

It was what I decided to do as I walked out of his apartment and to my balcony. In the morning I would tell him how I was beginning to feel about him and hope he didn't run. He hadn't run from me before so I shouldn't expect him to instantly. Ultimately, he was due much more credit than I had given him lately. If anything he'd been telling me over and over again that he would be there for me. That I was just as important to him as he was to me. I could only hope that was true now. So I made a plan as I looked up at the night sky and remembered the colours of the branches of Yggdrasil. I would sit him down and talk to him tomorrow, tell him how I feel and what I feared. Been as open with him as he continued to be with me. Stop pushing away the one person I'd come to value above everyone else. But also open up to him about the darkness I faced. About that part of me that heard the call of a dagger every time life became too difficult to face or when the past haunted me. Be honest with him about the reason I found comfort in long sleeves. And it scared me to have to be so open with him about my trauma, however he had seen so much of my past that I only had to imagine he would understand. Or at least recognise how the past can haunt the future. Then he could understand why I pushed him away. Maybe one day he would truly forgive me for hurting him the way I promised I would never do. So I fell asleep that night, hopeful for what was to come, hopeful that I could find a path out of the destruction I was causing.