Infatuated with a God

Chapter Eighty-Six

When I awoke a sense of calm bliss washed over me. A complete juxtaposition to how I had woken up. The emotions were gone as I felt the warmth radiate from his body behind me. Waking to the gentle buzz of his seiðr for the first time. At that moment I realised exactly what I had been chasing last night. It wasn't a feeling that could be achieved through a kiss or an orgasm. It was this. The moment in the morning where the person you love warms you instead of a blanket. And I knew now exactly why he had never let a moment like this past between us. Either he ran from this feeling, or he was so kind as to try to make sure I could never feel it. Perhaps he realised that once I had I would become addicted. Scared of waking him and ending this moment if forced myself to stay entirely still as I thought over everything that happened. It was now abundantly clear that this was far, far more than just sex. I craved to wake up like this every day, to have him wrapped around me or for me to be cuddling into him. There was a hole in my heart that it felt like he completed, one that was far more than just our seiðr being linked. In that moment it felt like our lives were always destined to converge. The emotions I felt around him had always felt complicated, as I buried them and convinced myself that it could never be anything more. But how long had it truly been since he broke my, or anyone's, trust? There were plenty of times he had access to enough seiðr to remove the restraints on him, only for the cuff to remain.

And for a moment I let myself become lost in the fantasy of a life with him. One like my dream. One full of kindness and vulnerability. One with him by my side forever. But that could only ever be fantasy. My life was far too short, and sooner than I wanted he would leave. I aged every day, approaching closer and closer to old age, where he had nearly fifty lifetimes to go. Even if he stayed there wouldn't be much of a life for us. Yet, I dreamed of having more time. How long could he feasibly stay with me? Fifteen years? Maybe twenty at a push? Could that be enough for me? I wanted a lifetime with him, a future where we would age and grow together. A house on a cliff top overlooking the sea, and rooms full of children and animals. Without that would I be happy? It used to panic me that I couldn't have that if I fell in love with him, but now I realised that wasn't something I truly wanted without him. There is a future where I could crave that with someone else, but it was distant and unreliable. Even if I could move on from him, I doubted I would ever truly forget him from my life. If I did fall in love with someone else, I doubted it would be so consuming. I would give up anything if he asked. I would choose him time and time again. I think a part of me always knew how all-consuming loving him would be. As I led in his arms I knew I could do anything to keep him by my side. But last night was meant to be a one off, and I knew he would never allow this again.

Knowing all of this, I made the active choice not to feign sleep and allow him to move me to my room. Instead when his breaths became shallower and he began to stir slightly I moved with him. Showing that it was too late for him to move. He stiffened immediately, confirming to me at that moment that he would sleep beside me. I'd expected so from how warm my bed felt, how I could sometimes still feel the faint presence of his seiðr in the air around me. Wanting to make this as normal as possible, so that he didn't overthink everything as he usually did, I turned into him and wrapped my arm around his waist. Slowly he moved onto his back, allowing me to use his chest and arm as a pillow and I nuzzled into him. I took a deep breath in, content with how the floral-like scent of him filled the air around me, before muttering out a good morning. He whispered one back and I couldn't help but smile at his uncharacteristic shyness.

"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep." Of course he would apologise for something like that. As if it was some great burden to wake by his side. I squeezed him tighter and placed a small kiss on his chest. In response, he moved the arm under my head slightly to lightly brush his hand through my hair, carefully combing out the knots that had formed in the night.