ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ-ᴜᴘ! (Finished)

⍙⍜⍙ ☊⊑⏃⌿⏁⟒⍀ 29 ⍙⟒'⍀⟒ ⏃⌰⋔⍜⌇⏁ ⏃⏁ 30 ⍙⏁⎎, ⟟ ⎅⟟⎅⋏'⏁ ⟒⌖⌿⟒☊⏁ ⏁⊑⟒ ⏚⍜⍜☍ ⏁⍜ ⏚⟒ ⏁⊑⟟⌇ ⌰⍜⋏☌

Somehow angst books always have the best pictures. Most of the ones in this book are ones I found and saved from other sad books I read. 

TW: Overbinding, overthinking and body dysmorphia

Happy part - Niki being amazing (like always)

The pain in my chest was what woke me up. It felt as if my chest was caving in on me. I struggled up from where I was laying in my bed, pulling off my hoodie and shirt before forcing off my binder, taking long breaths of air as I looked around my dark room. The door was closed and the windows were covered with blinds so no light was getting in my room. But even in the darkness I could tell the room was empty, other than me. I probably should have checked before I removed my binder, but I wasn't thinking. I just wanted the pain to stop. 

I pull my shirt back over my head and look down at my wrists, where the bandages had obviously been moved, revealing little burn marks all down my arms. Obviously last night wasn't a dream. 

I stand up from the bed, hissing as pain shot through my foot. I sit back down on my bed, and check the bottom of my foot, revealing a small burn from stepping on the cigarette last night. I guess that was a stupid choice. I stand up again, putting less weight on my foot as I hobble across the room, throwing the dirty hoodie into the bin of laundry I still have to do. 

I changed quickly, but I realised I had a problem. My chest hurt too much to put a binder over it, and all my sports bras were dirty, leaving only an actual bra that Eclipse had packed as a just in case. 

I pulled it over my head, and then shoved a loose shirt over it. I pulled the sheet off the mirror and turned to the side, looking in the mirror. It was too big. The bra barely had any padding, so it was mostly just the size of my normal chest, but it was still too big. It was too feminine. I would never look masculine enough. 

I wanted to go next door and see if Fundy had a clean sports bra I could borrow, but that would require leaving my room. What if someone was in the hallway? What if they saw me? What would they think of me then?

Maybe I could hide in a big hoodie. Solar had given me another one before they left to go back home. 

I grabbed the hoodie, pulling it over my head and then looking in the mirror. It was really big on me with the sleeves fully covering my hands and the actual hoodie going to around mid-thigh. 

I looked into the mirror again. It mostly covered my chest, but I needed that sports bra, as my chest was still visible and it was bringing attention to all the feminine parts of my body, like my hips, my legs, my arms, my shoulders, my cheeks, everything about me was too feminine. Please let Fundy be awake and please let him have a clean sports bra. 

I opened my door quietly and peeked out, checking the hallway. Nobody there. 

I pulled the hoodie tighter around me, bunching it up in the front so my chest was even more hidden. I crept down the hall, stopping at Fundy's door. Sadly, because the fates hate me, there was a bright orange sign taped there, with a messy scribble of 'STREAMING! Don't come in unless you're fine with being on stream'. I really didn't want to go on stream, but I really needed that sports bra. But one wrong move, and you end up coming out to the internet. 

Maybe Niki has one. She also has a female body, except she likes hers for some reason. 

I turned the other way and went to her room, sighing happily when there was no warning on her door. 

I knocked quickly, humming nervously and swayed side to side as I listened to the crash that sounded from her room. The door opened a minute later, revealing Niki with a fallen gaming chair behind her. I looked over at her desk and noticed that her monitor showed the dsmp, but the camera wasn't on, so she must have just been playing around instead of streaming. 

"What do you need?" She asked me, tilting her head to the side as she looked up at me. 

"Uh.." How do I ask this? Is this awkward? Do I really need that sports bra? Maybe I could just suck it up and deal with the pain. 

No. I couldn't. If I got sent to the hospital because of a broken rib or something else, everyone else would learn my secret. 

"Are you on a call with anyone?" My voice was quiet, barely loud enough for even myself to hear. She shook her head. "Can I come in? I have to ask you something" 

She opened the door wider, giving me a calming smile as I entered her room. 

Niki closed the door behind me before rushing over to her chair, picking it up so she could sit in it. I just sat down on her bed and watched as she whirled around in the chair to face me. 

"What do you need?" She asked again, a bit quieter as these walls weren't fully soundproof. 

"Uh" What do I say? 'Hey Niki, I'm stupid and went over the safe binding time, do you have a sports bra or something I could use that would work better then a normal slightly padded bra?' 

"Do you have a sports bra I could borrow?" I ask her quickly and quietly, but she seems to understand me. 

"Why would you need one? Don't you have your binders?" She asks, and stands up, heading towards her dresser. 

"I accidentally went over the safe time so wearing a binder right now could break my ribs" I pick at my nails as Niki continues looking through her dresser. 

"I'm not sure if this will fit, but why don't you go try it on and come back if it doesn't fit" She hands me a black sports bra and I nod. 

"Thank you" I say quietly and she nods, pulling me into a hug. 

"Anytime you need anything, just come to me and I'll help in any way I can" I nod, and she pulls away from the hug, smiling at me as I stuff the sports bra in my hoodie pocket before leaving the room. 

I rushed down the hallway, opening my door quickly and then locking it behind me. 

I probably beat a record with how fast I changed. The sports bra was slightly tight on me, but that was fine as it pushed down my chest more, and it wasn't tight enough to really hurt me like a binder would. 

I pulled the hoodie over it, sighing in relief when I looked over at the mirror to see a nearly flat chest, with a bump that was still visible, but not too visible. 

Now I could leave my room with less anxiety. 

I felt my stomach grumble hungrily and I left the room, relieved when there was nobody in the hallway, but my relief slowly faded when I went down the stairs to see Techno in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal. 

He may already know, but what if he has started to see me as a girl? What if he no longer sees me as a boy, as someone who deserves respect? What if he's really rude? 

He stayed quiet as I entered the kitchen, only pushing a muffin towards me, one of the ones Bad made not that long ago. I took a few bites out of it, my mind wandering away from the simple task of eating.

I looked over to the sliding glass door that separates the inside of the house and the backyard. I had left the cigarettes out there. What if someone finds them? Would I have to reveal the bad choices I had made?

The image of Philza greets me, and he waves at me before answering his phone. Maybe he picked up the cigarette parts that were left. Hopefully. 

I put down the half eaten muffin, my stomach no longer hurting from hunger, and instead from anxiety. Phil will definitely talk to me later. What would happen? Would he hurt me like she did?