Alina Shostakov is a Alexei Shostakov's daughter, trafficked to the Red Room with her siblings, Natasha and Yelena only she was there since birth, having no choice but to do as the said.
During a mission, she meets Wade Wilson, a mercenary with a l...
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- "Oh." -
The rubbish lorry pulled up at Wade's current house and the driver yelled to him, "We're here!"
"Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage." Wade groaned, falling out of the lorry. "Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Some kinds of anger can't be managed, like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!" Wade yelled at the camera, wrapping a small towel around his stubbed wrist. "That said, when it comes to licking wounds, there's no place like home. Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al."
-
"God, I miss cocaine." Al mumbled.
"Her." Wade said to the camera before gasping. "Forth-wall break inside a forth-wall break. That's like... 16 walls."
-
"She'a like Robin to my Batman except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me." Wade listed. "Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too."
Wade knocked on the door and when Al didn't open it, he called her name. Instead of waiting, he shoved the door open with his shoulder, his mask now off. "Morning, sleepyhead. It smells like old lady pants in here."
"Yes, I'm old. I wear pants." Al mumbled.
"But you're no lady." Wade hummed, putting on his crocs. "Oh! So comfy."
"Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs." Al muttered.
"You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?" Wade asked.
"Yes, I know. Downside of being blind, I hear everything in this duplex." Al said as Wade flopped onto the floor.
"Sit on a stick." Wade mumbled.
"Bactin?" Al asked.
"Yeah. Bactin should do it." Wade remarked, pulling the towel off his stump which was slowly growing back. "How's the Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know."
"You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal." Al mused.
"Please. Anything an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen." Wade said.
"Screw, please." Al demanded.
"Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades." Wade joked.
"You'd be surprised."
"Pretty grossed out." Wade muttered.
"Ta..." Al sat down. "Da." The drawers then came crashing down. "I wish I never heard of Craigslist."
"And I quote, 'Looking for a roommate blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands.' Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?" Wade asked harshly.
"Why such a douche this morning?" Al snapped and Wade shot up on his knees.
"Let's recap. The cock thistle that turned me into this freak, slipped through my arms today... Arm." Wade corrected himself, standing to grab a stuffed unicorn teddy and hand cream. "Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo." He farted, walking past her. "#driveby."
-
"Oh." Wade moaned, relaxing on the settee.
"Tylenol PM?" Al offered.
"You can stick that where you stick the Bactin." Wade retorted as she sat beside him, dropping pills on the floor. "I raised my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now." He leaned his head on Al's shoulder, stroking her chin with his small hand. "But I appreciate the gesture."
"Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?" Al asked.
"About the size of a KFC spork." Wade answered, lowering his hand.
"Ugh." Al grimaced. "I get why you're so pissy but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman and tell her how you feel."
"What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand." Wade mumbled.
"Looks aren't everything." Al denied.
"Looks are everything." Wade shot back. "You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"
"Love is blind, Wade." Al told him.
"No, you're blind." Wade mused.
"So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?" Al asked.
"No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows though puberty and then in gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go, go..."
