June 21st 2021
- Karlie -
"Are you sure you'll be okay alone?" Taylor whispers to me as she rocks Auggie in the rocking chair and I nod, kissing the top of his head and then Taylor's cheek, "Lilah's coming with me, I won't be alone. Will you be okay alone with him till we get back?"
My period came like clockwork so I had to make an appointment with Dr King to go in and have some blood work done so that we can track my ovulation, but Auggie has his first stomach bug and he's been stuck to Taylor like glue for the past couple of days.
"We'll be alright," she sighs as she kisses his little face and the toddler just clings to her. It hurts to see any of our babies unwell or in pain but Auggie is very much a mommy's boy and Taylor hasn't left his side in days. "I'll text you when I'm done and I'll bring home some more groceries, I love you," I kiss her again quickly and Taylor agrees so I leave them in Auggie's nursery and go to find Lilah downstairs.
We haven't been able to do much the last few days with Auggie feeling bad, so Rosie has been staying at Grammy's house, mainly for a change of scenery but also because we didn't really want her picking up what Auggie has.
"Ready to go and get stabbed?" I shake my head at Lilah as I grab my phone and keys and she hands me my purse, "please don't say that, I already hate getting bloods done without thinking of it like that." Lilah laughs at me as she opens the front door and I follow her out to the car, "hey, just think about the baby you'll get at the end of this - the pain when you push that thing out is going to be so much worse than a little blood draw."
I smile sadly as I get into the drivers seat, "yeah, I know." Lilah makes the realisation and gives me an apologetic smile, "sorry, I forget that you've kinda done this before," she frowns as she looks away and I pull out of the driveway. "It's okay, it's not something we've ever really talked about," Lilah knows about Noah, but we've never really talked about that time in my life - mainly because Ro is usually around and she doesn't need to hear the dark details but also because it's just not something I like to dwell on.
"Did you love him?" Lilah looks over to me after a second and I frown at the question, "my son?" She shakes her head, "no, your ex?" I glance over to her for a second as I drive, "I loved him but I wasn't in love with him, honestly before I fell pregnant I was ready to end the relationship. I was in love with Taylor but we were both terrified of what that meant and before Noah, I was exhausted of pretending to love Josh and of hiding the fact that I really loved Taylor."
Lil nods, "was it scary when you went into labour?" She's trying to be as gentle about asking as she can and I appreciate that, "I was terrified, I was only 23 and I couldn't really process the fact that he was gone. Part of me still thought that I would deliver and by some miracle he'd be breathing and they'd be able to help him. Then I gave birth and the first cry never came, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was a wreck for a couple of years after Noah, and I only really pulled it together because of Taylor."
Josh and I stayed together for another while after Noah, mainly because he was the only person who understood in any capacity how deep the pain of our loss truly was. Eventually even that wasn't enough to keep us together.
"I think you're incredible," I look over to the teen as she shakes her head at me, "you went through all of that and then still took in three kids without a second thought and now you're about to have another. If that would've been me, I don't think I'd have made it."
I smile at her as I reach over and give her hand three tight squeezes, "I almost didn't, the difference now is that I have a family to live for. You guys are my entire life, Lil." Being their mom is one of the greatest things I've ever had the privilege of doing and if it was a choice between this and my career - I'd choose this every single time.
