July 31st 2021
- Taylor -
We managed to keep our news to ourselves until we got back to Nashville and went to the doctor, who confirmed the positive test with blood work, then we went home and told Lilah and Selena who were with the kids. They're the only people who knew we were trying and they're the only people we're going to be able to talk to about it for the next two months until Karlie hits the safe point.
"How are you feeling, darling?" Karlie comes back into bed and slumps down beside me with a sad smile, "I started the day off exactly the same way five years ago."
Today is what should be Noah's 5th birthday. We had planned to go out to New York and meet Karlie's family to celebrate, but the pregnancy symptoms have hit her early on and she's not been feeling up to much the last few days so we decided to do something here instead.
"I'm sorry," I sigh as I take her in my arms and she curls into me, "it's okay, it's just strange feeling this way again." She's understandably nervous and overthinking every little thing, I don't know how we're going to survive the next nine and a half months without her turning her own hair grey from stress.
I kiss her forehead as I hold her, it's still really early and none of the kids are awake yet but there's no point going back to sleep now.
"You're amazing, Karls, Noah would be so proud of his mommy," she nods against my shoulder, this day is always hard for her but this year she has the pregnancy hormones and all the little reminders of her first pregnancy to contend with too. I hold her tight as she sighs, "it makes me feel close to him again, I know that's weird - that my boobs being sore and the constant nausea makes me feel close to my son, but it's all almost identical to when I was pregnant with him."
I rub her back as I kiss her forehead, "that's not weird, baby, when you felt those things you knew he was there and he was..." I cut myself off because I don't wanna upset her, but she just looks up to me with a sad smile, "he was alive." My eyebrows furrow a little as I nod, "yeah," she sighs and tucks her face back into my neck.
A silence settles over us for a while, there's a lot of emotion surrounding today and there's no point trying to avoid talking about Noah or what happened - Karlie did that for years and it just made it all so much harder.
We're pulled from the silence when we hear a knock on the door and Karlie turns out of my arms as she calls out, telling whichever kid it is to come in. "Morning," we're surprised when the door opens and reveals all three of them - Lilah carrying a tray as Rosie holds onto Auggie's hand and then helps her baby brother onto the bed. "Hi baby, good morning," I smile as I sit up, August plopping down in my lap as Rosie cuddles in between us.
"What's all of this?" Karlie laughs as Lilah sits the tray on her lap, "birthday pancakes, you guys did it for our birthdays so we should celebrate Noah just the same." The model softens as she nods, giving the teen a warm smile, "thank you, Lil." The teen nods and then sits at the bottom of the bed, "Nia is going to come over later and help me paint the big memorial if that's okay?"
Karlie nods as she hands me my coffee so she can drink her tea, Lilah taking Auggie so he's not near the hot drinks. My parents, Abbie, Selena and Alessia will be here later too - Karlie needs as much support as she can get and we want to celebrate him together, Karlie and I are family now so that means Noah is family too.
"I love you guys so much," Karlie smiles sadly as she looks around, kissing Ro's little cheek since she's the closest kid. "We love you, mama," Rosie pushes herself up to return the gesture and Lilah nods in agreement.
These kids are our everything and they're pretty much the only thing helping Karlie keep it together today.
- Karlie -
