Vulnerable

February 13, 2015 (Age: 14)

Dear Diary,

Oh my god. My life is dropping down. Its falling a part. Slowly and painfully. So many things has happened in the past few months. All bad things. Well first things first...

I have Depression.

I'm always isolating myself from everyone. Before my depression used to stay at home. Now, I find that I am starting to bring it with me wherever I go. Especially lately, I'm getting an obsession with quotes. I'll admit it, they're mostly all sad ones but those are the ones I connect with the most. Same thing with music. I always find my favorite songs are slow or dubstep. At least once a day I have to listen to my music and write. 

I have noticed that when I write, that is how I express myself. At times, mostly mom doesn't understand what goes on in my head. She has told me so many things that she thinks might be the source of my depression. 

I know that for a fact that, what she thinks the source is, is completely wrong. Honestly? I don't even know why this happened to me. Don't know when or why. I guess it happened, "gradually, then suddenly". 

Ever since I told my mom and dad about this, everything seems to be getting worse. I don't know why, but it is. I'm getting sadder. It sorta feels like my body thinks being depressed is a normal thing to do. 

Yesterday, I really isolated myself. Basically, all I did was write and listen to music for the entire day.

A while back my mom asked why I am always on my iPad. I honestly told her that I write my stories. Her reaction? She didn't believe me. She asked me if I'm going on these dating sites, and talking to guys. When mom suggested that I should go to counselling, she told me that she "wants to know the reason why I'm feeling this way". I then whispered to her, "I do too". 

I don't know why I feel this way. Sometimes I wonder if its possible to get depression from absolutely nothing. There is something inside of me, causing me to feel this way. But I don't know what it is.

On January 22, 2015 I wrote my thoughts about all of this on a different piece of paper. These are some of the things I said: "I still have the passion but it's not as strong as it was before", "I don't think I majorly have depression but I don't really know", "My mom yesterday asked why I am so quiet. I said I didn't really know or that I just want to be independent and alone, I guess. There are times when I just get thinking and don't talk."

I wrote another one on February 1st, 2015.
"Ever since I got back from her party, Mom and Dad have been treating me differently. Being more nicer, if that's the correct term to use." "I do know that they are both worried for me, but I know for a fact that I will not cut nor will I turn over to suicide. Just because I'm slightly sadder than everyone else, doesn't mean you should treat me differently. I'm still human. I'm still the same person that you can have fun and laugh with. Everyone gets sad, but my sadness is just a bit more permanent than everyone else's. There is no need for everyone, who knows, to treat me differently or talking to me in a different tone. I'm still the same Sarah I was 5 years ago. But, things have changed. Mentally and physically. Just cuz the things around me have changed, doesn't mean I have changed on the inside, very much."

Mom also told me that even though I hide away in my room, she said that she slightly regretted having Dad make my room "cool". Does she really think my depression and me hiding is because of how cool my room is? Umm... No.

Dad did talk to me about my depression. The main message from him was: "be patient, all bad things will pass."
My mom thought I needed counseling, like right away. It's like, "Okay, my depression isn't going anywhere anytime soon."

Honestly, I don't really want to go to counseling. I think it might pass, but I know it won't. On the other hand, Jaclyn is treating me the same. She's treating me just like I don't have the depression. I'm thankful she's not overreacting over this.
Well, that's all that's new in my life.
Sarah