Vulnerable

January 15, 2018 (Age: 17)

Dear Diary,

I cannot wait for the semester to be over...

This month, I have been struggling to find time to spend with Aiden. And it has been very hard on me. I want to kiss him, hug him and just be in his presence. But doing that lately has been very difficult. Aiden has been so focused on studying that he is making his education a priority over me. Don't get me wrong, he has a good head on his shoulders . I am happy that he likes to focus on school and that he wants the best grades possible. But I honestly don't think he completely understands how much that effects me. I feel forgotten.

I miss him like crazy. I hope he realizes that. Not being able to see him often is hard for me. 

A few days ago, Aiden and I wrote the first part of our English diploma. Once we finished that, I caught him before he went home (well, he didn't go back home because he said that he had to go see his math teacher for some help). I talked to him regarding how I feel. And I cried. 

I started off telling him that I feel like I was showing affection to him but wasn't getting it in return. At first, he was teasing me and telling me that I am saying this to someone who hasn't had actual friends for at least ten years. Later in the conversation, he told me that I am not his priority right now. And that I shouldn't be making him my priority too. Hearing him say (and I quote) "You are not my priority" is what made me cry. Cause I really did not want to hear it, but I did. Aiden then proceeded to explain that we are both in academic classes and that it is diploma season. He said he has seen lots of other couples make each other a priority rather than focus on school and then their grades suffer. He doesn't want that for us. He said that he is going to post secondary later this year and so will I. As I was still quite teary eyed, he continued to say that once diploma season is over and semester two starts, things should get better between us. 
Then he opened up his arms for me to hug him. I hugged him, in tears, and told him that I don't want to lose him. He reassured me and said I am not going to lose him. 
After the hug, he said that he had to go see his math teacher and that I should go home and study for my next exam. And that was the conversation.

I ended up walking out of the school and felt like I wanted to cry. On the ride home I did cry before I came inside the apartment and pretended that my tears never happened. 

This month is only half over and I want it to go by faster. 
This. Is. Brutal.

Today after school I went to Aiden. From me being at school today, I have probably talked to him for less than a minute. Throughout the day, he seemed isolated. He didn't create or start any conversations with me. I had to start them. 

At the end of the day, I went to him and asked if he had a few minutes to chat. He said that he is heading to basketball "in 30 seconds". I simply replied with "30 seconds is all I need". I then proceeded to ask certain dates as to when he is not busy. He said he is busy basically every day until the end of the month. Fucking wonderful, right?

But he said that he is going to be spending a majority of his time studying for math. Then once his final exam is done, he is volunteering then working for five days. Then that takes us to the end of the month.

I highly doubt he understands how I feel... Being away from him hurts me. I miss him. Even if I get a smile, a quick conversation, and a hug everyday until the new semester, I will be happy. I'm not asking for much. I just want to feel appreciated... And I am not feeling appreciated. As much as I hate to say it. Aiden is still the one, I know it and I am not giving up on us. We are just more separated than I'd prefer. I just have to count down. Less than a month it will be a new semester and it will all be okay again. 

I have already cried about this three times in the last 5-6 days. So obviously this is affecting me quite a bit. Maybe I should talk to all my friends and get their advice. 

Praying that we get better (and fast).

And I am not giving up. Ever.

Sarah