Vulnerable

January 1, 2018 (Age: 17)

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year!

I'm honestly so extremely happy you have no idea. For New years, last night, we (Raya, Emily, Shawn, Aiden and I) had a get together at Shawn's house and it was very eventful on both sides of the spectrum.

Firstly, when Aiden and I were left alone in Shawn's bedroom (it was probably around 10pm. Two hours until midnight) Aiden told me "So am I kissing you in two hours?". I obviously was not expecting to hear that at all. So I laughed and told him so. He teased and said it was Raya's idea then he corrected himself and said that he thought of it too and deserved some kind of credit. I laughed then by that time, everyone started to come back into the room. Later in the night, we cracked open glow sticks and shut the lights off.

Time has now passed and midnight is only two minutes away. I start to get all giddy because I know what is happening. I lay on Shawn's bed, cuddled up next to Aiden. He goes on his phone and pulls out a countdown and he then says the count down for us. After he says one, we all had a minor celebration between us five, but I noticed that Aiden never kissed me. I was hoping it was going to be soon. I started getting some new years texts from my mom and my sister Jaclyn, saying Happy New Years.
It's 12:05am and immediately realization hits Aiden and he turns to Emily and says, "Oh shit, I forgot to kiss Sarah". My stomach starts twisting into knots because I heard that and I know exactly what is coming, and it will be coming sooner than I thought. Then he frantically teases about how he wants to turn back time. This whole time, I'm laying beside Aiden, staring and grinning at him. Then after giving up, Aiden turns to me and taps his lips with his index finger. That alone was my que to kiss him. And I did.
I grinned, leaning in to kiss him. We kissed probably a solid five seconds. Technically, there were probably three or four small kisses. And they were short only because I felt myself continuously smiling and grinning out of the kisses.

I have never been happier to finally kiss Aiden and also be his first kiss too.

Later, when we were all heading to bed, Aiden headed out of the room for around 15 seconds and the little voice inside me told me to follow him. Shortly after he left, I followed him. He was grabbing the heater from the other bedroom and when he was coming back, I stopped him in the middle of the hallway as we were alone.
"Thank you for finally kissing me" I whispered and smiled. In that moment, I couldn't control myself and I kissed him again. He chuckled, smiling and said, "Go back to the room".

In the moment, when I kissed Aiden again in the hallway, from what I could see through the darkness, he looked so happy. I saw a true smile and heard a genuine laugh. A smile that I'll never forget.

After the quick kiss, we went back into the room. But I felt like I had a little secret that I have kissed Aiden twice and it was only 12:30am on January 1st, 2018.

Now this is where things are going to take a dark turn. This is the other eventful part of my night. So Shawn tends to be a drinker; he has even admitted to me that he is kind of an alcoholic. He planned on getting wasted on New Years. And he was quite tipsy at 7-8 o'clock. The rum and coke he made for himself was roughly half an half, so quite strong. After the kiss happened, we decided to all go to bed. Since Shawn's room was the warmest, we will all sleep in the same room. The guys got the bed and us three girls got a mattress on the floor. Once we all laid down, I began to hear giggles from Shawn. Emily went to him to try to get him to bed, but soon enough the giggles turned to tears.
Later, all the girls were laying back down and Aiden said that he was going to keep an eye on Shawn so we can all get some sleep. We tried but throughout the night, the tears only intensified. I couldn't stand hearing him cry and me not doing anything. So I walk over to Shawn and Aiden.

They were sitting on the floor, at the foot of the bed. I sat to Shawn's left, beginning to rub his back or his knee, telling him to take deep breaths. I allowed Aiden to do most of the talking that he wanted to do. With the frustration Shawn has within himself, he had his head in his knees and began to ram his knees into his head. I told him to not harm himself and I gently held onto his knee, being a barrier essentially. He then started to get his hands and hit his face in frustration. I grabbed his hands and wrists, stopping him and telling him not to hurt himself.

As Aiden was talking, not going to lie, he made my heart drop and sink. Aiden is a phenomenal speaker when it comes to these things. He would ask questions with determination for an answer yet also have all the patience in the world. If his question is left in silence, he will ask it again in the same tone. And when Aiden really gets going and begins to tell a story, his voice intensifies. Not like in an anger filled way. It is hard to explain. It is not aggressive, but he speaks in a way that shows that he is stern on his response. Shawn brought up about how we all don't know him well and that we don't know his past and he was worried that we would judge him. Shawn was in pain about a girl from a couple years back. He left her and wanted to apologize to her but he knows that possibly is nonexistent anymore. Aiden brought up his past, telling him that he has moved so much from school to school. He asked Shawn if he has cut himself before and he said he has. Then Aiden brought up about how he has cut himself too, but forgave the people who made him do it.
Next, Aiden talked about his suicide attempt. He said that at one point in his life, he held a knife up to his throat, ready to cut his throat and bleed out. Hearing that made my heart sink. I knew that Aiden has attempted but I did not know that is how it went.

To be honest, the next time I "break" I want Aiden to to be there. I imagine he would be able to calm me down the best and will be able to comfort me yet also tell me what I need to hear. One day, I want to ask him about that and hear the story of his suicide attempt and his cutting. I want to know what his life was like before I came around.

Once Aiden said what he needed to, he allowed us girls to come and take his place to help calm him down. It took a while to calm down, I know that. Since he was still quite drunk, Raya and I got him to stand so we can get him in the bed. He tightly gripped my hand as we made our way to the bed. Once we got him laying down, he continued to hold my hand tightly. I used my words to calm down his breathing. Later when it was just Emily and I, Shawn spoke softly, "Sarah?" I leaned down, listening. "can you take me to the bathroom?" Still holding his hand, I slowly got him to his feet. I walked him out of the bedroom and shut the door behind me. Shawn was extremely wobbly and unbalanced. On our way to the washroom, I told him I'm not going to bed until I know that he is asleep and I said I am not going anywhere. Once we got back to the bedroom, I helped him onto the bed and tossed a blanket over him. He laid his body facing me and I sat in front of him, still holding his hand as he wanted the comfort. He began to get emotional again and cry a bit more. I did my best to calm him down, like I did before.
Over time, when it was just Shawn and I and when everyone else fell asleep, he did relax enough to fall asleep. His breathing patterns matched mine and were now normal compared to his uneven, quick breathing he was doing. I did whatever was needed to help him, even if that led me to stay up till 3am.

By time I chose to let him go and try to give myself some sleep, it was 3:08am. Since Raya ended up hogging the mattress on the floor, and I didn't want to wake her up, I decided to take a blanket and pillow and sleep on the hardwood floor.

This morning, everything seemed normal. Shawn seemed fine. We all woke up and chatted at around 8:30am. So right now, I am surviving off of 4.5 hours of sleep; maybe just four hours with how often I kept waking up in the night.
Throughout the night I was shivering from how cold I was. Shawn's house was freezing and I wish I could've just cuddled with Aiden.

This morning, I woke up to hitting my head on the wooden bedframe. Everyone was already up and chatting quietly then all of a sudden, I hit my head and made a soft groaning sound. Before I knew it, I opened my eyes briefly to find Aiden, Emily and Raya standing at my feet, watching me. To be honest, the first and only person I saw was Aiden. We caught each others stare and he was grinning at me. So that cute smile he had was an indication that he thought I was cute.
"Can I help you?" Was what I groaned to everyone and they all laughed and dispersed the other way.

When we all went home, Shawn went to work. Aiden went to go drop Raya off at her place then came back to my place to have a five minute chat then we said our goodbyes. I walked him out then we hugged. I leaned my head upwards then we kissed once again. After the kiss, Aiden said "Happy?" And I responded with "Very."

I told him my usual drive safe things as I closed the car door for him. Then Emily left my place and now I am alone. This past day has been so insanely eventful. But I honestly wouldn't have wanted it to go any other way; even the whole breakdown I dealt with.

I finally got to kiss him!

Sarah