Vulnerable

February 1, 2018 (Age: 17)

Dear Diary,

Wow.. I'm speechless, once again.
So Raya went out to lunch with Aiden. And I (once again) feel confused and empty. I'll tell you what I can remember.

So according to Aiden, our whole friend group we had (me, Raya, Aiden, Emily, and Shawn) was an "experiment" that failed. He saw that I was making him more of a priority than school should be. Maybe if I only listened to him, he would have stayed.

Aiden said that he is separating himself from us because he said until we're done grade 12, he plans to have no friends (just like before we met). Raya told him that I truly thought (and still do think) that he is the one. He also said something about another reason why we broke up was because we have too many differences or something like that. I'm sorry that I'm human and that I think differently. I didn't know you wanted me to be just like you. When Raya told me this, I cried.
I want him to be apart of our friend group again. It is not the same without him. I am hoping that with their chat today, something may change in him.
To be honest, I'm not counting on it.

Raya told me that she asked Aiden if he still likes me. . . And he said he does. . .

Don't get me wrong, when Raya told me that my sadness tears turned to happiness tears. I am happy that I still mean something to him. So if anything can get changed, it lays in my hands.

I refuse to give up. On him. On us.
Everything great never comes easy. Knowing that I still mean something to Aiden makes me unbelievably happy. He still cares. Since we still both like each other, I'm the only one that might be able to change his mind and fix what was broken. I have so much that I want to tell him but I am afraid I can't find the words for him. 

This is what I want to tell him:

"Aiden, why did you go back down? We always could have worked something out. Relationships aren't easy. You can't give up on something just because the situations aren't ideal. I realize I didn't do as you asked by focusing on school rather than you. But I simply could not put you lower on my priority list because I love you. I love you so much more than school. I would always put you first. I'll only change my priorities if other things (in my case, my grades) suffer because of you. But knowing me, that will never happen. You shouldn't give up when things get tough. You said you can't see us together after grad. Why? Long distance is something I'd do in a heart beat. You can occasionally be stubborn, especially when it comes to your own beliefs and how your life is. I get it. Tell me all about yourself so I know more of what you want from a lover. I want us back and I want to start over like when we were friends who were just talking and didn't know what love was like. I love you Aiden and I don't want to let you go. A gut feeling is telling me to not let go. And I'm listening to it with my 100% attention. There is something between us, there is not a doubt in my mind which opposes that. We don't need to pick up where we left off. It may be best to start fresh anyway. I just want another chance again. We can work this out. No matter the circumstances, I have faith that we will work out".

Now I wish I could take these papers and read them to him. I wish I told Aiden I love him when I had the chance. Maybe it would have changed something. I just want to talk to him so bad and see if we can sort something out. I need to tell him that, "I have a gut feeling that I should not walk away from all of this. And whether you like it or not, I am sticking to that feeling. I am not giving up on us quite yet (hell, I'm not even sure if I ever will give up). Whether you feel the same, I still like you and have a crush on you. I have felt this way even after we broke up. Even though you hurt me, I still love you."

I'll tell you this one day.

Sarah