Vulnerable

November 7, 2017 (Age: 16)

Dear Diary, 

Whoa, do I have an update for you. . .

Firstly, I chose to write because our Wi-Fi and cell service is out. And since I have homework that requires Wi-Fi, I am an anxiety mess at the moment.

Unfortunately, I had to do the nail digging thing tonight. I have been doing so good lately. Or so I thought. But that just makes my anxiety go away. Since doing it, I mentally feel better. Well, my hands don't look better. They are (of course) red, in pain and swollen. But I'm not writing to remind you (or me, I guess) of how shitty and anxious my life is. I have news! Both good and bad.

The rebuilt house, since living in it, is now sold. We're moving out in a month. Odd, right? We just moved in a little over a year ago and now we have to leave. It is unfortunate and I absolutely hate it, but at this point, we don't have a choice. From my understanding, we will be getting a small 2 bedroom apartment for my mom and I. We'll be staying there until I graduate and we move out. 

Another thing too! This past weekend (or 3 days ago) I got my grad dress! It's all silver/sequence all over and it low key looks amazing. I'm hoping my dress will be "the dress" that the town talks about. I want to make my great impression and I definitely think that will be the dress for that. 

So now that I have updated you on my general life, lets dig a little deeper. In my last entry, I talked about Aiden. Well, in the matter of seven days, things have changed almost drastically. Turns out, Aiden does have a crush on me. Well he didn't say the word crush. He says that I "interest" him. But he's only using a synonym.
I think this really escalated five days ago. On Friday (Nov 3) I went to the drama play that was playing at the theatre. I wanted to go because I knew a lot of people from my grade who were in the play. At around 2:30, Aiden Facebook messages me, asking me what time the play is. Originally, he told me that he wouldn't be able to make it because he was working from 2-9. I told him it was starting at 7pm. He replied saying that he gets off work at 6. Personally, I feel like he only came just so he could spend more time with me. 
So once he arrived, I was already seated and he came in and sat beside me. Quite a few times our arms would be touching or our legs would brush gently against each other. Once the play was done, I handed out my flowers to my friends and the cast had to leave to go get some photos done. Then it was only me and Aiden. I asked him what he is doing. I didn't know if he planned to go home straight after the show. He then asked me if I wanted to go out for a bite to eat. And being the gentleman he is, he said he would pay. So we got in my car and decided to go to Tim Hortons. Just a reminder, this was probably at around 9pm. So it was late. Once we got our food and he paid, we just sat in my car and talked. About a lot, actually. He opened up and told me that he has never said that he loves his dad, only because his dad has never said it either. He also told me that he doesn't really know anything about his sister who is two years younger than him. Like he said that he doesn't know what her bedroom looks like or what her favourite colour is. It is sad to me. But I opened up a bit and told him that my mom and I butt heads a lot. (Not going to lie, I am curious if Aiden will notice my marks on my hand. He said he watches me a lot because it is a habit to him (I will get to that later). So I feel like he'll notice.) Whether he'll say something is unknown. 
So after our conversation, he suggested that we should each go back home. And at that point in time, we were sitting in my car and talking for around 45 minutes. He also knew that the next morning I was going grad dress shopping. So I drove back. 
On the way back, Hedley was playing. Being the music lover I am, I was softly singing along and moving slightly to the song. I could feel Aiden watching me and I heard him chuckle at me. I turned to him for a moment while driving and asked what was wrong. He shook his head, telling me it was nothing. But looking back now, I'm sure I looked so cute to him that he just couldn't handle me!

I got to add something before I continue! So when we were in the parking lot talking, we were talking about the small actions that we do. So I told him that I play with pens and rub the bridge of my nose. And I swear to God I heard him say that he already noticed that I do that and that he thinks it's cute. 

Once he made the choice of us leaving because he knew I also needed to pack my overnight bag and he needed to go home too. He suggested that I should send him a picture of my grad dress the next day. He said something along the lines of, "and for tomorrow, you look beautiful". Then he shut the door too fast and I didn't even get a chance to say a response!

Going to the next event. After my grad dress shopping, Aiden texted me and asked how my shopping went. So I asked him if he wanted me to send him a picture of the one I chose and he said "yeah, of course" with a smiley emoji. So I sent him the picture of my dress and this (and I quote) is his response:
"Wow. Uhh...yeah, just wow. You look stunning, I feel embarrassed saying it". And since Aiden never compliments anyone, that is why he was feeling embarrassed. 

My Wi-Fi is back working! Thank god! I have homework that needs to get done!

So last night we were texting about why he has an "interest" in me. He said (and I quote): "Odd, isn't it? But yes, dedication and idealism mixed with insecurities and struggles. More importantly you look happy, even if you can't tell. So yeah, interest I am." 
Reading that made my heart melt. 

I have to go, homework is unfortunately calling my name.

Sarah