Vulnerable

November 19, 2017 (Age:16)

Dear Diary,

Holy Jesus, things between Aiden and I only keep getting better! 

On the 16th, on Emily's birthday, she invited me, Raya, Shawn, and Aiden to spend the night at her house. I said I could go and everyone else said that works for them too. On the 16th, we made my house the meet up house before we go to Emily's since my place is in town and easy to find. Emily lives out of town and in the country. My mom got to meet Aiden and Shawn and from what she told me, she really likes them both. Apparently, mom likes Shawn more than Aiden. Not sure why, but alright.

Aiden offered to be my ride for when we were all following Emily out to her place. And that is how it was. I went with Aiden and Shawn went with Raya. Earlier in the night, I noticed Aiden seemed slightly isolated from us. But as the night went on, we all chose to watch Lord of the Rings. To be completely honest with you, Shawn seems to be quite the flirt to everyone. Then when the five of us were laying in Emily's bed watching the movie, I was beside Aiden and Shawn crawled on top of me. And asked if I can run my hands through his hair. Didn't really think anything of it so I mindlessly did it. I wonder if that made Aiden a bit jealous? 
Once we switched positions and Emily was laying on me, I was against the wall and Aiden was still to my left. To get comfy, I leaned on the pillow that was closest to me (which was the one that Aiden was using). There were times when we would all talk to each other or I'd look at him and he was basically inches from my face. During the Lord of the Rings movie, all at random, Aiden leaned his head down and rested it on my shoulder. I said nothing and just accepted it. He stayed on me like that for probably 5-10 minutes. Throughout the movie, I've kind of made some physical contact between Aiden and I. Besides the fact that five young adults were crammed on a smaller bed trying to watch a movie (and all basically cuddling each other), we had contact. Our legs and arms were touching. Later in the movie when I started to drift off a bit, I decided to be the one to lean my head against his shoulder. Besides, I was curious to see how he'd react. When I laid my head down on his shoulder (I swear to god, I'm not exaggerating) he almost immediately laid his head on top of mine. Then we stayed like that for the rest of the movie. By the time the movie ended, Emily asked if I was passed out. I mumbled, saying that I was fading out. Then I kind of buried my head into Aiden's shoulder a little bit before he sat up. 

That night, I got to see both Shawn and Aiden shirtless, may I add too. And I liked what I saw. The next morning, we all woke up and no joke, Aiden walked into Emily's room shirtless. Then shortly walked out. So I'm sure he did that just to impress me or something.

On the ride home, Aiden and I stayed relatively silent. We listened to his music and occasionally he would sing along to the songs. But he always has one hand on the gear shifting thing in his car and the other hand on the wheel. He did it on the ride there too so I assumed it must be a habit of his. To get comfy for the drive, I angled myself sideways so my knee was lightly touching his hand. My leg ended up lightly touching his hand and he didn't bother to move it at all. And if he did need to move that hand for his windshield wipers or blinker, he would always put his hand back where it was, where it was lightly touching my leg. I know it sounds stupid or embarrassing but I sneakily took a picture cause I thought it was cute. 

When we got to my house, I noticed that he looked over at me for at least a solid 2 seconds. When he pulled in my driveway, he didn't really say much. He exited his car and came to my side of the car. I opened the backseat and grabbed my backpack and he reached around me to grab my bigger overnight bag for me. I thanked him again for everything and got my bag from him at the front door. He told me no problem and asked me for a hug before he leaves. So I then gave him a hug and said that if he wanted to text me after work (cause he worked 4-9 that night), that he can. He smiled and said of course. I then went inside my house and he went back to his car and drove off. I noticed when we got into my neighborhood and he was dropping me off, he almost seemed down or upset. Later that night I actually brought it up to him. I texted him and asked if he was okay. Cause I felt like I did something wrong. He replied and told me that I did nothing wrong and that he is fine. In fact, Aiden told me that I was seeing the real him. He told me that he always acts happy in front of people. To the point where it isn't even an act anymore. He acts happy when in reality, he's not.

As soon as we were in the car together, I caught on to how he was. Don't get me wrong, I've been depressed before. For years, in fact. So I can catch on to other people who are depressed. I've been there. To a certain extent, I am happy that I have noticed that and brought it up to him. I just hope Aiden knows that he can always come to me if he wants to talk. In the past, Aiden has explained to me that in junior high/elementary school, he was heavily bullied, tried to commit suicide (but failed) and he used to cut and self harm. When I first heard that, it shattered my heart. It makes me wish that I was there for him but we never talked back then. He said when it came to self harm, he did it was if it was a science. He would cut a certain depth and in certain spots so he knew they wouldn't leave any scars. To be honest with you, I wish I had that knowledge. But I don't. And now I am left with nasty scars on the top of both of my hands. 

Not to be random or weird, but one day I wouldn't mind if Aiden and I talked about our past and scars. I want him to ask about my hands and I want to explain my story and have him tell me it will be okay. I want him to kiss my hands and love my scars, even though I hate them and hate being asked about them all the time. I want to hear what he has to say about them. And I want to know if he will look past my flaws that cover my hands and body.

Wow, things are getting a little dark. I think its time to open up the blinds. 

Last night, as per usual, Aiden and I were texting. I asked him why he randomly showed up in my life and began talking to me. And he replied saying that though I might not have seen him, he has seen me. He has seen how people our age act and it has always made him angry. So that is why he preferred to be alone. He said I genuinely seemed nice so he finally bothered to approach me. 

Remember how I explained how he has an interest in me? Well, yesterday I told him that I feel like we should avoid the word interest now because we both know that word is just another term for us crushing on each other. And of course, he bugged me for using the term "crush". Then I replied with "in all honesty, I'm not lying though. I feel like interest doesn't fully describe this anymore." Then he told me that he agreed. I said that we need a new term so it can show the accuracy better. Aiden then asked me on this new term and what it is. I replied with "crushes/crushing? Or do you have a better term?" Aiden then replied, "Nah, I like crushes, sounds kinda cute".
To be a tease, I replied with "Okay, then crushes we are. But I agree, it does sound kinda cute. Just like me". Then he replied with "And now I get to agree that you're cute. I like this crush thing." With of course, emojis scattered through out the conversation. Reading that melted my heart. Of course, I was internally freaking out and I sent those screenshots to Jaclyn, Raya, and Emily. They all freaked out with me. And Jaclyn gave me good advice, as per usual.

I'm nervous to where we are going. I've never felt this way towards anyone. Not even Garrett or Isaac. These feelings are so unknown to me but I think I'm really liking where this is going.

Oh hey, on a completely different topic, I got my wisdom tooth out on the 14th too. I only had one. When I got out of surgery, apparently I was looking super lost and looking off into the distance. And when I got in the car, I dropped my phone probably 3-4 times and I turned to my mom and told her that I have "butter-fingers". And we laughed about that. I felt completely aware and normal in the moment. Guess I wasn't as normal as I thought. 

I've been writing for a while, I'm going to go.

Sarah