Vulnerable

December 9, 2018 (Age: 18)

Dear Diary,

HOLY SHIT I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!

Firstly, I've been talking to quite a few people on Slowly for quite a while. I have been making a lot of new friends. I definitely feel less alone here in the city talking to these people. Last entry I talked about my 2 Canadian friends I've met and my friend from the UK. I'm still talking to them but I have a few more people to add to the list. I've met two people from Germany. One of the guys is my age and the other guy is a couple years older than me, if I remember correctly. John is twenty one years old and he is also from Canada! My province, to be specific. He is roughly a three hour drive from where I live. My conversations with him have been great. He is super nice and I've been really getting to know him. He knows a lot of my secrets and vice versa. So him and I have been talking and he says that him and I should go to a bar one day to show me a bunch of good drinks. I also forgot to mention that my one friend from Germany (the one that is my age) is a musician! He has sent me some of his covers and songs that he has done and he is very talented in what he does! My other Germany friend is working to become a writer,  just like me. With my friend from the UK, she has been good! I still don't know what she looks like or vice versa. We've just been building lots of good conversations.

For the other Canadian guy who is east of me, there are a few minor things that has happened. We're still talking. But one thing that he likes to mention is calling. In quite a few letters, he has told me that he wants to call me. I've been so busy so I haven't gotten time to call. He mentioned that we call sometime during the Christmas break. Since I'm an adult who doesn't get a "break", I told him that I'll have to see how my work schedule plays out. He said that he is understanding and he was ready whenever I am. Which I greatly appreciate because he must be getting the slight idea that I am nervous to call him. One other topic we have been talking about lately is travelling to meet one another. Whether it be me going to him, or him coming to me. He's a super respectful and respectable kid. He was sure to say that if there was any issues with any ideas or plan that we can change them. I think he is beginning to get feelings for me though. He compliments me in our letters and says that we have a special chemistry together. We'll see if we do meet. Oh! I also know what he looks like.

Now, I am going to speak about someone who I've never discussed yet. This guy is from Brazil! Originally, he met and talked to Jaclyn (cause I got her hooked on Slowly for a bit) before he met me. There was one picture Jaclyn sent to him was a picture of Jaclyn, her boyfriend and I on our recent road trip to go visit my grandma a couple provinces away. She sent him that photo then he had the "omg, she is so beautiful. I want to speak to her" feeling. Since he knew I was on Slowly, he spent three hours looking for me. He found me, then we sent probably four letters until he got logged out of his Slowly account. Since he got logged out of his account he went on Facebook and found Jaclyn. Then that way, he found me. Then ever since that, we have both been texting each other every single day. Probably at this point in time, maybe we've been talking for a month or a little over a month. To start, he has a crush on me. And I have a little crush on him. We haven't met each other yet. It isn't a major crush. We haven't met each other and its hard to discuss things on a maximum intensity when we've only seen photos or videos of each other. He also says he has plans to leave Brazil and come to Canada. Don't know when that'll be but I'm hoping its soon.

Now! I must talk about my birthday! As if November 30th, I'm not 17 no more! I'm officially 18 and legal! So the night of my birthday me, Layne, Jaclyn and her boyfriend went to a bar. It was a bar that also has a bunch of video games things we can play. So we all played pac-man and a few other games things we can play. Later, we made our way to the dance floor. We were dancing then this guy (who I've never met) started to dance with me. Before I knew it, he moved in to kiss me and we made out. So, the night of my 18th birthday I made out with a stranger. 

He was meh at dancing. And meh at kissing too. I've had better kisses from a certain somebody haha! Anyway, later I gave Jaclyn the "oh my god, I'm panicking. Rescue me" look then she stepped in. After she gave me a talk bout how I am able to push guys away, etc. After the, we just left the bar cause I wasn't comfortable going back in to see him or have him question me as to why I left. Then we went to another bar. There we met my two coworkers. We all chatted for a bit then we ended up going home. Jaclyn and her boyfriend had to work in the morning so we all had to go back to the apartment. The night of my birthday, I was drunk. But not completely drunk like I was at my after grad. I could walk in a straight line, I wasn't stumbling! Long story short, my birthday was wonderful and I loved every moment of it!

Oh! Regarding my birthday, I had a few special people reach back out to me! The first person to reach out to me was Aiden! He texted me around 5:00pm and said, "Hey, lack of talking and the natural separation of life doesn't make me a bad guy. I still remember your birthday." then "My version of not giving you a generic happy birthday". Literally when I read that, I smiled. I was thinking for most of the day, wondering if he was going to reach out to me and he did!
On December 14th is Aiden's birthday. So there is not a doubt in my mind that I will do the same for him. I have remembered Aiden's birthday basically off by heart. He is exactly two weeks older than I am. Then may I also add that Shawn reached out to me too on my birthday! He texted me and wished me a happy birthday and he hoped that I was doing okay. I've been thinking lately that maybe I'll reach out to him sometime this week and see if we can have a casual conversation again. Raya is still salty as fuck towards Aiden and Shawn. But frankly, I don't care. They were both pretty damn important to me.

Final topic of the night is something pretty major. Mom and dad are going for a divorce. Mom and I have already moved out of dads house. Her and I are renting a townhouse. I'm helping with rent and I'm paying $500 a month. Dad was surprised that I was going to live with mom and pay to live with her where I could live with dad for free. But oh well. Dad has been a complete asshole to mom. Before they even signed the papers for the divorce, dad said that he will immediately start going on dating sites to look for someone new. And he has. For probably 2-3 weeks he's been on some sites. He's been talking to different people from different places. It hurts mom because this easily can be seen as cheating since they are not fully divorced yet. Easily! But dad seems desperate he's already looking. Talk about rebound. In moms defence, she hired a lawyer to quicken the process. She is hurt and is in much more pain than I want her to be. But it'll all be over soon.

I'm sorry, I have to go. I have to go to bed. Just kidding. I'm probably going to hide and watch YouTube for a bit.

Sarah