Vulnerable

October 13, 2016 (Age: 15)

Dear Diary,

So much has happened since I wrote my last entry. I'll start off with the simple then I'll go into the more serious and detailed things that has happened to me.

Firstly, we finally moved into the rebuilt house roughly a month ago! I'm so glad that I am finally home and I can decorate my room how I want. Oddly enough, I still don't seem to want many things. Like I have an idea of what I want my room to look like, but I don't seem to put in the actual effort to buy anything. I probably still worry that I'll lose what I bought.

I started grade 11 a month ago. So far, its decent. I have science and math this semester and since I almost constantly have homework every night, a lot of my evenings (other than dance) are mainly spent doing homework. It sucks but I have to do that to ensure I pass.

Also, recently, I'm pretty sure I decided what I would like to do when I graduate. Before, I was stuck between an author and a photographer. I think I decided that I would like to be an author. I haven't found any colleges/universities yet but I'll probably figure that out within the next year. I think it would be really cool to publish my creations for everyone to read. But if I did go with being a photographer, I'll probably be a landscape photographer. That way, I don't have to deal with people.

Now, I am going to explain my summer.
In my previous entry, I talked about how I was texting Isaac and Garrett. During the summer Garrett and I texted occasionally, but Isaac and I texted basically every day for the entire summer. If I remember correctly, him and I hung out around five times. I'll admit it, I had fun when we hung out. I even hosted a get together near the middle of July and Isaac came over to my place a few hours early and we hung out for a couple hours until everyone else came over. 

So in the summer, since Isaac and I texted every day, I would have a mini-panic attack because he was texting me. And with those panic attacks, I would panic so much where it got to the point that I would barely eat during the summer. Since I rarely ate, I ended up losing a bunch of weight from doing that to myself. When I started to weigh myself, it was May 15, 2016. And I weighed 163.6lbs. Then as the summer progressed by the end of July, I was 150.8lbs. There was even a point where I lost 5 founds in five days. On June 23rd, I was 157.0 pounds then on June 28, I was 153.2lbs. 
Once I started school again and dance, I began to not eat much. For example, August 30th I was 152lbs. September 2, I was 150.2lbs. On October 3 (one month later) I lost weight again and dropped to 147lbs. So I'm finally under 150 pounds. I'm still not exactly confident in my skin cause I think I should go down to 130 or 120 pounds. I'll have to see if I lose more.

Next thing is about Isaac and I's friendship. Over the past few months, we've gotten pretty close. I've told him a lot of things that I typically wouldn't tell anyone. So my depression (which did come back) and my self harm/digging my nails into my hands, he knows about. I've told him so much. I wonder if it will be a good thing. When we text, we are so open and honest with each other. But I'm also thinking he really likes me and there could be a possibility that we could become a couple in the future. Isaac has told me that he really wants to kiss me. And he said that probably the next time we're alone together, he's going to make the move to kiss me. That would mean that he would be my first kiss if he did do that. 

I know that Garrett really likes me too. My best friend Allie asked me if I liked anyone and I told her I didn't. Then she straight up told me that Garrett really likes me and he was actually wanting to take me out on an actual date. I don't know when that may be or if he'll actually ask me, but apparently the thought is out there. Garrett would be texting me kinda often and if I don't answer within 5-10 minutes, he'll text again adding onto what he said. So he basically wants the conversation to keep going. He seems to be interested in everything I do and I can tell he is trying to flirt with me. Like Garrett said he might be joining tap classes with me, he said he would read all the books that I publish, if I get clumsy he said he would try to catch me, and he said he might try to get a winter job at the dollar store with me. 

Things are getting interesting. But I better end this entry here.

Sarah