Vulnerable

January 18, 2018 (Age: 17)

Dear Diary, 

So... The unfortunate happened.. Aiden and I broke up. 

We broke up on the 16th but I just haven't gotten the chance to write about it until now.

Let me explain what all happened. Aiden and I never improved when it came to showing  physical or mental connection. And I wanted to bring it up to him.  At lunch, him and I went to Tim Hortons to talk. I began saying that I want to talk about what we have already talked about. I've already had a shitty day so I ended up crying  when I was talking to him.
He told me that he sees that I am making him more of a priority  than I should be. That I should be focusing on school more than him. But how can I not? He was my boyfriend. It is hard not to put in the effort  to someone who means the world to me. But I guess he didn't fully acknowledge how much he meant to me. He'll find that out one day. 

So when he told me that once grad comes, I am moving to the city and he is going elsewhere to a different college. And that will be a 3-4 hour drive between us. So with all of that in mind, he said he couldn't see us lasting past grad. Personally, I think us getting together was all bad timing. Everything was right; we had the emotional and physical connection, and most importantly we adored each others presence. 
But what killed us was the timing. 

I imagine if we meet again years later, when we are both moved out on our own and out of our universities, we would have worked. But two soulmates met at the wrong time. And that is the most unfortunate thing about this all. 

Once Aiden was honest and we mutually ended things, he said that he had to go and run some errands around town. I then told him "have a good rest of your day" (which looking back, might have been one of the worst things I could've said). Then he went to his car and I went to mine. And I broke. Hard. I was driving and was almost crying myself into an asthma attack. But I held it together until I got to school again. I texted Raya when I left Tim's that we ended things and she said that she was going to meet me outside. 
The moment I saw Emily and Raya outside to comfort me, I just hugged them and cried. We went to my car and I broke once again. I haven't broke that hard since I lost Isaac. After crying and talking with the girls, they had to go to class. I had to write a social exam in less than half an hour of this all happening and I did not have any mental capacity to do so. So I went home, texted my mom what happened and she came home immediately. 

After I told my mom what happened, she told me that she has a feeling that Aiden is going to come back. His reasoning for breaking up with me was not good. Matter of fact, three people (my mom and two other friends) said that they have a gut feeling that he will come back. And I believe it too. I feel like he'll come back and talk to me once he realizes what he did. If three people (plus me) believe that, it has to be a sign. It has to be.

Yesterday, I wore his necklace that he gave me on my birthday, but he was really isolating himself from me, Emily, Raya and Shawn. When I was in his view, he moved so he didn't have to look at me. Mom says that he is probably embarrassed for what he did and he thinks that he is the bad person. She also gave me advice to stop waiting for him to talk to me and just break the ice first. And today at school, I plan to do so. I just pray it works for our benefit. Late last night I made a blog post (Dear Mr. Observer-Part 2) and I plan to post it today and possibly send the link to him. 

Yesterday at school, I broke again. While being alone, Shawn walked in and saw me crying. He was there and he comforted me. He then gave me his advice and tips. Which I greatly appreciate because honestly, without his help, I probably would've been a mess all day. I really do love all of my friends. 

I should head to school.

P.S. The day Aiden broke up with me was actually the day I was planning to tell him that I love him for the first time.
Guess things weren't meant to happen that day.

Sarah