Vulnerable

November 22, 2016 (Age: 15)

Dear Diary,

We didn't make it. . . Isaac and I broke up.

I'll try to say as much as I can. I'll start off by saying I am really hurt. Where do I even start? I'll take it back to last night.
Last night, Isaac told me that he has a lot on his mind (but mainly one thing - which was our breakup). Since I didn't know what was wrong, I was being loving and caring and I was offering my ears to him if he wants to tell me but he doesn't. I then told him I was worried cause I don't know what he wanted to tell me. I asked/told him that I'm "concerned that you're going to break up with me". And I added, "Please tell me that's not true". Then he began explaining how he doesn't know why but something just doesn't feel right dating me... Like he wants to be with me but he doesn't. He sees me more of a friend than a girlfriend. He told me he has been feeling that for around a week now. He said "we did have something and idk why.. but I just don't really have it for my anyone". With the feelings he has had for the past week, he thought the thoughts would go away but they didn't leave or change.

Then I told him that when we talk at lunch, I am going to be a mess. And he said that he'll try to comfort me the best he could. He then apologized that my first relationship had to be like this. To almost summarize everything, he basically didn't like me as much as I like him.

After, I ask that after our breakup that we can stay friends. And we will. We both told each other that we are both willing to put in that effort to make sure we don't lose the closeness we have. He is being really kind about this cause he is often telling me that I am "strong enough to move on from this". I then told him that "I know I'm saying a bunch of useless shit that I probably don't need to say. Cause it probably sounds like I'm trying to get you to stay. But I am not going to lie, during the month of dating you, you made me really really happy.. The most happiest I've been in a while". Then he reminded me that I can make it through this. He apologized for hurting me like this and he wished that it didn't have to come to this. All of this conversation happened through text, late at night.

This morning, I have been messed up. I have felt like wanting to cry all day. So at lunch, as I was heading outside to see Isaac, I got teary eyed because I knew what was ahead of me. He wanted me to meet him in the football shed to talk, so when I walked outside, I saw the shed door was open. I walked in, barely glanced at Isaac and set my binder down. After I did that, I broke down in tears. Thankfully, Isaac was immediately there to comfort me. I asked if there was anything I could do to help or change so this doesn't happen. And he said there isn't anything.

As we were hugging (and as I was crying), I could feel his uneven breathing so I could tell that he was hurting and on the verge of tears.

Still in each others embrace, our heads separated but our foreheads were still pressed against each other. As our foreheads were still pressed together, a silent tear fell from Isaac's eye and it landed softly on my nose.
I got teary eyed again, hugged him tightly and encouraged him not to cry and I told him that I know this will be hard for the both of us and that I know we will be okay.

We both said that we will stay close friends. I'm glad because I don't want to lose everything we have, or him (to be honest).

I need to go to bed. I believe I covered almost everything. There is a slight voice in my head that hopes he tries to get me back. Hopefully I won't feel hurt for long and I'll be okay soon.

Sarah