Vulnerable

February 3, 2019 (Age: 18)

Dear Diary,

I seriously need to write more. It's basically been two months and so much has happened! First involving my friend from Brazil and John. Firstly, let's talk about my Brazil friend! We have been sending audio messages and we have video called twice.  The first time we video called, we couldn't talk because his mother was coming home so once she came home, he had to go. The second time we called, we were on the phone for an hour. During that hour, I could not stop smiling and we had really good conversations. There would be times when we video call and he would randomly count down from five. First time, I was very confused. But then he told me that he's counting down the time until I start blushing. Unfortunately, it worked every god damn time. We do talk as if we are in a relationship but just (very) long distance. Recently, he got a job. Both him and I want him to come to Canada. I do want to meet him and see him in person. Him and I have never had a disagreement and we are both never having those "heated" conversations that all those horny guys tend to want to have with me. And I adore that about our conversations. May I add that seeing his smile or hearing my laugh is my weakness.  We also have nicknames for each other. Since we both have "powers" over each other, I am his "Super Sarah" and he is my "Mighty Matt".  

Now lets go to the next topic; John. Ever since December 24th, we have video called every day. We haven't video called on two days only because I was having a sleepover with some friends. Anyway, I believe things are unbelievable and crazy. John  gives me an infinite amount of confusing thoughts. One minute he's speaking to me with all his heart, expressing how he idolizes me, and looks at me while examining every ounce of my being. The next minute we're arguing  or I have a desire to push him away. We actually have met in person. Only once but we do intend to see each other again. Date is too be determined.  We are thinking some time after Valentines Day. The first day John and I met, it was kinda surreal. I've had lots of video calls with him but seeing him in person for the first time made me realize, "Whoa, okay. So you're the guy who is behind all of the Slowly letters and is behind all of the video calls". 
The whole day we wandered around a mall in my city. We held hands. There were some points where I had to let go because I needed space. I'm just not used to all that physical affection. But John understands, whenever I let go of his hand or move away he lets go. Oh, I better add this important piece of information. So while we were wandering the mall,  John wanted to go to the movie to check it out. We went there and we decided to go into a photo booth thing. It was his idea. Lets just say that the final picture had our first kiss. He made the first move. Jaclyn wasn't too thrilled about this. Because it makes me seem easy to get. I don't think I'm an easy catch to get. Yeah we might have kissed but that doesn't mean it happens all the time and it doesn't mean I tell him that I love him. I don't say that unless I really mean it or if its family. 

You know what I am wondering? I wonder if having a man "love you more than you love him" shows that he'll never leave. What if that is secretly a way that he's the one..? No. That's dumb. Can't be. I'm just thinking out loud. 

Not going to lie, I have been having thoughts that maybe John isn't the one for me. I've been thinking that. I know how he feels towards me and I know he is envisioning a future with me. We have talked a little bit about it before. But before we (or I) get too into that idea, I stop myself. Maybe I'm just scared of the idea of change. I've had lots of changes lately and right now I'm liking in comfort. I just don't want things to change. I don't think. But they will. I do not have a choice in that.

For the next time John and I meet, he has some surprises up his sleeve for me. He said that one of them is a jar of sand and shells that he got from the beaches of Mexico. He's planning to write some sort of love note for me. I wonder what he is going to write about. . ? His favourite memory of me?  His favourite feature about me? Will he tell me something I already know? Or is he going to open up a whole new side to himself that I never knew. Maybe it'll be a letter about small details he has noticed and admired about me. Similar to the "Ballad of Ella". Anyway, apparently there is a second surprise as well that I should be expecting. I have no idea what that one will be. But according to John, it's a pretty big in regards to the sense of surprises. I'm nervous as to what it is and I want to know. But then again, I don't want to get rid of that surprise factor. 

There is also the topic of us being a couple that has been  thrown around a lot too. And that is a whole topic on its own. John is ready. I can tell. I'm not. Lately, I have been thinking that in the idea of us making it official, I don't think I can do it yet because that involves change. And I don't particularly want to do things that will change my life because I am comfortable with how everything is. John admits his love to me daily. And sometimes I do the same, but I think I do it just to make him happy. Literally nothing would change. We would just get a "label". I'm sure we'll still be a couple. But, like I said, I truly do think its the label that is scaring me. Or maybe its the "numb" feelings I've been getting towards him. And I don't want to commit if I'm not ready.
Now here is another question: Will I ever be ready? 
Should I just take the leap of faith and hope I don't fall?

Work has been fine. Hours have been cut. Again. Last week I had five days off and this week I'm only working three days. Mom says I should look for a new job but I really don't want to. I've only been there for just over four months. I can't leave now. Besides, I love my coworkers and we all get along so well. I don't plan on leaving; not for a long while.

Hopefully I'll write soon. I better end this entry here before it gets too long.

Sarah