Vulnerable

February 13, 2017 (Age: 16)

Dear Diary,

Damn, I have a lot to sort out in such little time.

I'm praying that if I write it out, I'll be able to really think this all through and figure everything out. Okay, so to start everything off, I hurt Garrett (again).
I know, I know. I told myself I wouldn't do that again but it happened. Besides, he was wanting me to tell him what was on my mind. So its his fault for asking and wanting an answer.
I don't know if I have discussed this in previous entries, but I'll explain what I've been wondering these past few weeks. So I'll say around the same thing that I told Garrett this morning. For a few weeks I have been thinking about where I stand with Garrett and how I don't fully know if I like him. I began to explain how I don't know if what I feel towards him is real or "fake". I put fake in quotations because I am curious if I only have a crush on him to replace Isaac. Cause when it was shortly after Isaac and I broke up that Garrett came back to me to try and win me over. 
I don't fully know if I'm still hurting about that and "using" him to make me feel better and happy again. That is very close to exactly what I told him. He didn't respond after that. Then around an hour or two ago, he texted me with a paragraph and said that I hurt him. And I'm "going to have to figure out your feelings before anything happens". Then he left it at that and said he had to go. Being the apologizing idiot I am, I responded saying that I will figure everything out.

Since I only told him today (Monday), I'm planning on leaving him be and talking to him about this on Friday. I don't have school Friday so I'll have all afternoon to talk to him; if he's not bust, for that matter. Or if he actually wants to talk to me.

To be completely honest, probably once I'm done writing, I'm going to write a few things down as to what I need to tell him when we talk about this. I think it'll help me, What I'm planning to say? 

Where should I even start? Do I still have a crush of Isaac? A microscopic one, I guess. Mmm, then again. Maybe not. Are you still hurt about Isaac breaking up with you? Not really, I don't think. I've moved on and I'm not in that much pain anymore. I have learned that Isaac used me and cheated on me. I still like him as a friend and I've accepted that we won't get back together because he knows exactly how bad he hurt me. He is aware of my pain that I went through and I've already accepted the fact that we won't be together again. So, no, I'm not hurt at all.

Next question, do I see anything happening between you and Garrett? Possibly, yeah. He's been treating me like a queen and I haven't been doing the same. Damn, realization just hit me. Garrett has been treating me like a goddess and I have been abusing that and hurting him. 

Final question, will you be willing to give everything a second chance? Absolutely. I feel like I am the horrible person and I don't know how he hasn't chosen to leave. I am seeing that Isaac is irrelevant because he broke my heart and lost me. I know we are never going to get back together and I am okay with that. It is his fault he lost me and chose to flirt with another girl and leave me for her. I've realized that I want a do-over to see what happens. If we don't end up together, it'll still be a great experience. Garrett has already told me that he loves me a lot (relationship wise) and he has said so many sweet things to me. 

I should apologize and fix this all soon.

Sarah