Henry: *Answers phone.* Hello?
Joey: It's Joey.
Henry: What did he do this time?
Joey: No, it's me, Henry. It's actually me.
Henry: What did you do this time?
\\
Allison: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little bud. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.
Allison: Oh no, where did it go?
Susie: ALLISON WHAT THE FUCK?!
\\
August: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.
\\
Thomas, holding a rock: Allison just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".
Wally just trying to fix a pipe: If you don't marry them, I will.
\\
Sammy: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!
\\
Thomas: Hey, Allison. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
Allison: I like roses, a little cliche but I like them.
Thomas, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-
\\
The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy*
Susie: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Norman: No, Susie. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Susie: No, that's not part of it—
Norman: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Joey: I would want to live with no legs.
Norman: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Drew. You don't do anything.
Susie: All right, well, let's get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. *Norman pumps frantically* Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute.
Norman: Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Henry: How's that gonna help you?
Norman: I will divide and then count to it.
Henry: Right.
Grant: It's 6,000 an hour.
Susie: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Norman: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat* First I was afraid, I was petrified.
\\
William Afton: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
Joey: ...You mean you stabbed them?
William Afton: They ran into my knife.
YOU ARE READING
BATIM Oneshots ig
FanfictionCOVER NOT MINE Oneshots of any batim characters. I (mostly) do not care what pair of people you would like, what setting, AU, or anything. this is all creative freedom writing practice. Ask what ever you would like to see written! Fluff Angst This s...
