A Shade of Confidence (1: Flawed Girls Series)

CHAPTER 46

5 Months Later....

Have you ever thought of living while you're dead? Like your soul is dead but your body is alive? I never imagine that I'm going to experience it.

For days, i'm dead yet alive at the same time. It feels like I became a robot, I'm moving without any direction and senses. It feels like I'm living in a darkness, literally that my surroundings feels and seems like nothing.

My fear of people even worsen, i can't talk to them through face to face. Even my parents and cousins, they aren't exempted with my fear. I grow a phobia with people, with the thought that they will just hate and criticise me. I'm too afraid to look through their eyes, fearful that I'll just see that they're disgusted to me.

I lost my will to live yet i'm afraid to kill my self. I want to end my sorrows but i still want to ask forgiveness to everyone i got hurt and got affected, but then i can't do it, i can't control myself once my fear is being awaken.

I spent the whole five months, in my dark four cornered and, like me, a lifeless room. Oftenly breaking down, drowned with over thinking, and almost dying in fear and regret.

I don't know what is happening outside but i know it's still unpleasant.

I wasn't able to join my graduation, and I wasn't able to attend Maddox's burial.

Everyday while some of our maids were passing by to my room, no matter how they try to lower their voices but due to my consciousness in my surroundings, i could still hear them that's why i got news outside.

Which i greatly fear, from what i understood, EMM, the one who scout us to join Best Shot got bankrupted because of the scandal. As well as my family's company, some of it were bankrupted but some were trying to recover and face the problem. And in all those problems, happened all because of me and my dream.

I don't imagine that my simple dream and my small steps of achieving it would turn out to these catastrophic events.

Now, i also got fear on dreaming, i don't know what to think about my future anymore. I'm totally dreamless.

I curled in my bed while trying to sleep. Inaantok na ako pero patuloy pa rin sa pakikinig ang mga tenga ko sa paligid. My body is so tired but my mind isn't. It's fully alert.

Humugot nalang ako ng hininga at pinilit nalang ang katawang bumangon.

Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama at yumuko.

There, i saw my big legs.

I don't know what's happening with my body but it's became chubbier even more. Kahit kaunti lang ang kinakain ko, mas lalo tuloy akong tumaba. It's making me frustrated even more.

I know i need to accept my body but—i don't know anymore.

Bumuga ako ng mabigat na hininga at ipinalibot ng tingin ang paligid.

Nothing change, it feels so lonely and hopeless like me.

Later on, i pushed myself go stand up and walk around. Hanggang sa mapadpad ako sa bintana sa tapat ng kama ko.

Dahil sa tagal nitong nakasara, inalikabok na ito. Kaya dahan-dahan ko nalang pinalis ang mga 'yun gamit ang daliri bago dahan-dahang binuksan.

Hindi ko pa man tuloyang nabuksan, agad ng sumalubong sa'kin ang preskong hangin na hindi ko naramdaman sa loob ng ilang buwan.

Napapikit ako ng tumama ang hangin sa mukha lalo na nang tuloyang mabuksan ang bintana. Inabot ako ng ilang minutong nakapikit dahil sa hindi mapangalanang masarap na naramdaman habang nakapikit at dinadamdam ang hangin.