Lost In Your Own Mind ~L.S~

55

__Niall__

After a few minutes, Harry and Louis came back.. I was just sitting on the counter.

Honestly....

My head is kinda blank. Like...

I feel tired. Physically and emotionally tired.

But I feel like my head should be rushing around with frantic thoughts and emotions...

but I'm just...

blank.

Today, seeing that fight, just made my anxiety rush and I cried a lot. The only thing I was thinking was that I couldn't help. I was scared. 

And when I got in the bath last night with Harry, and I seen his scars, I sort-of felt.... relieved that someone else knew what I had gone through. Now just known that I had gone through it, but they KNOW. that probably doesn't make since..

I'm not saying I'm glad Harry's hurt himself- but I'm saying I'm glad I could talk to him about it if I wanted and he would understand.

But every feeling is still very dull. Like a light- really far away. Everything's dark and dim and... faded, almost. 

I feel like feelings were taken away and replaced with an empty void.. 

It's so hard to explain.

I'm just empty. And any small bit of emotion I feel is like it's in the distance and I'm chasing it, wanting it, needing it... but I can never catch up. 

"Hey, wanna eat?" Harry asked- breaking me from my thoughts

"Uh.. maybe."

"You haven't eaten since yesterday, Ni.. how about some sandwiches? Or I can make Mac N Cheese?" he offered

"Yeah, sure. Mac N cheese is good.."

"Okay, I'll get started then" Harry smiled and started opening cabinets

I love his smile.

I wish I could smile like him.

Like I used to.

We'd smile for hours. We'd laugh. And joke around. And have fun.

Now he's taking care of me... and I hate it. I'm thankful... but I'm a burden. 

"Wanna watch TV, Niall? Or we can play a board game. Harry has Candy Land"

"Whichever" I tried to smile but failed and Louis caught on

"Let's watch TV and you can lay on me" he smiled sadly and grabbed my sides, lifting me easily off the counter and setting me on my feet. 

"We'll be in the living room, love" he said to Harry as we left the kitchen

"I'll be in there soon, with food!" 

We sat on the couch and he took my hands.

"I just want you to know that you're so beautiful. Your body is beautiful, these clothes look beautiful on you, your hair is cute, your eyes are like the waves in the blue sea, your smile.. no matter how small it may be at the moment.. it still lights up any room you enter and anyone would tell you that. You will be okay, Niall. We're here. And we WANT to be here. You're not causing us any trouble and we're so happy to help, in any way we can.."

"Th-thank you.. I.. i'm just... I'm so fucking scared" I admitted as tears streamed down my cheeks for the second time today.

"Scared of what?" he asked, obviously wanting me to talk about it.

"Scared that.. he'll find me again. O-or everyone will find out and I'll get made fun of.. or.. or I'm not.. p-pretty any- anymore." 

"We'll never go back to the club he was at. He was older so he doesn't go to school with us. And he had a weird accent.. he wasn't from around here. Maybe he was just... visiting." he started off, talking slow and looking into my eyes to make sure I was hearing every word he said.

"No one will find out. Harry and I are the only two people that know and we would never tell anyone about this if you don't want to. That's terrible.. we'd never do that to you" 

"And, Niall... You are drop dead fucking gorgeous. When you're tired, you're pretty. When you've got bed head, you're pretty. When you're all dressed up for a night out or even just wearing something nice to school, you're pretty. Wearing nothing, you're pretty."