Revealing Kane

4 - Confusion Reigns

John

God, do I miss Allison something fierce. But do I really? Do I miss her immaturity and inability to articulate her feelings? Or do I just miss the sex? Who am I kidding? We haven't had sex since the night I gave her ecstasy. I reckon I just miss her.

Sunday was such a great day. We had so much fun together, and I loved how Allison clicked with my parents. I was so proud of how well she took to driving. And then we returned to London, and it all went to shit.

I realized that afternoon in Birmingham that I was in love with her. I was starting to see a future with her. Yet when I told her how I felt, instead of her gushing forth with her feelings for me - which I know she has - she shut down on me. It was a risk for me to tell her how I felt so soon, and she didn't reciprocate. I was shocked and hurt. And I probably overreacted slightly. I shouldn't have broken it off with her, but I was so angry with her inability to love me back.

It's been a couple of days since that horrid fight, and I feel terrible about the things I said to Allison. I shouldn't have judged her so hard, but I wanted her to realize what she meant to me. No, means to me. I need to try to fix this mess between us, but I'm not sure she'll even talk to me at this point.

I could just ring Charlie and ask him about her, but I don't want to involve him in my love life troubles. I already know Yasmin was cautious about me being involved with Allison, so when they find out about this, they might be right cross with me. I definitely jumped to conclusions and reacted poorly. And now I miss the one woman I want to spend time with. Fucking wanker, as always.

I wonder what Allison is doing? I hope she's not wallowing over the likes of me. I'm just so upset over what happened. She should be here with me, happy and loving me, but no, I had to go and act all superior and break it off with her. Bloody idiot.

My phone rings, and I trudge over to it. There's no one I want to talk to except Allison, and I truly doubt it's her. I pick up the receiver and mumble a hello.

"Johnny! You have plans tonight?"

It's Charlie. He probably knows about Allison and me and will try to get us to reconcile. I don't want him between us, as that could affect the band at some point. Like the next time that I fuck things up with her.

"Nah, Charlie. Just hanging at home tonight," I tell him, sounding as useless as I feel.

"Allison's not there?"

"No, why should she be?" I say as my mind hisses, He doesn't know.

"She is your girlfriend, isn't she?" Simon asks, and I sigh. Time to pay the piper.

"No, Charlie. She isn't-"

"What happened? Why did you break it off?" he shouts, and I pull the phone away from my ear to prevent him from piercing my eardrum with that volume. "I suggest you get your arse over here right now and explain to Yas and me why Allison moved out of our house today."

"She what?!" I shout, stunned at Simon's words.

"She moved out. I assumed she moved in with you, but you say not," Simon argues.

"She moved out?" I repeat, not wanting to believe what Simon is saying.

"She's gone, Johnny. What happened?"

"I'll be over shortly," I sigh, even if I dread telling the story.

I hang up the phone and drag myself upstairs. I haven't showered or dressed in days because I've been so down over Allison. I miss her terribly. Time to clean up and own up to my stupidity.

Half an hour later, showered, shaved, and dressed, I head to Simon's house. I travel by the alley behind our houses because I do not want to deal with fans tonight. No, tonight I just want to be boring old Nigel and lament my idiocy with my friends. When I get to the LeBon's back door, I knock and am soon greeted by Simon. And when I step into the house, I see Yasmin, and she is already glowering at me. Great.

"John," she says curtly, and I can barely look at her as I sit at their kitchen table.

How many times did I sit in this very seat and stare at beautiful Allison? She entranced me, and I fell for her. And now I feel like shit because I've lost her.

"Tell me right now what you did," Yasmin snarls. "Drugging Allison was bad enough, but now you've gone and done something so horrid that she went home."

"Went home? As in back to the States?" I dumbly ask and feel my soul drop when Yasmin nods yes.

"She went home," Simon says, sounding like a great understanding has come over him. "No wonder we didn't go apartment hunting as planned today. She didn't need one here in London."

I'm stunned. Allison is so upset about us that she went home. To Pennsylvania. She's 3,000 miles away now, and I have no idea where exactly she lives. She truly is gone from my life. Probably forever. I drop my head onto my arms on the table and fight the tears pricking at my eyes. I've lost her. God, help me; I've lost her.

I tell Simon and Yasmin everything, and I mean everything. From how I felt when I met Allison that first day right up to when I slammed my door in her face that horrible night. They both stay silent, taking in all the details as I spill my soul to them. And when I finish, I feel wrung out. My emotions are strong when it comes to Allison. Why couldn't I see that the other night?

"You love her, don't you?" Yasmin asks, and I nod, still holding back tears.

Silence falls over their inviting kitchen. I've been at this table so many times. Simon and Yasmin have been my shelter too many times to count. And I repay them by running off their ward. Fucking idiot.

"She's still in London," Yasmin quietly says, and I snap my head up to scan her face. "She asked me to tell you she went home, but she's actually still here."

Hope blooms warm in my chest. Allison stayed in London. I have a chance - a very small one - to win her back. If I manage to get her back, I will make sure she is happy. I will love her right. But first, I have to find her.