Revealing Kane

33 - Newness

I'm so glad Jack is here. The relief my body feels is immense. But I'm still scared I'm going to do something wrong. I don't want to hurt the little guy.

Jean has been fantastic. She has given John and me a crash course on caring for a baby. We're both still learning, but we get better every day. Thankfully, Jack is not a fussy baby. Jean says that could change, but I hope not.

Breastfeeding feels strange, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Jack nurses well, and I'm glad. Jean is as fascinated by my feeding the baby as John is, mostly because she bottle-fed John. I'm so happy I can nourish our baby with my body.

I'm lying in our bed, watching Jack sleep, when John comes in. He looks tired and shuffles straight to the bed. He flops into it as he lets out a huge sigh.

"You okay?" I ask, reaching to touch his arm.

"I reckon," he says, and I push myself onto my elbow.

"You don't sound okay," I push.

"Just tired, love. Not used to waking every couple of hours," John explains, and I nod.

"I know. Your Mom says it's only rough for a few weeks. Just until the baby starts sleeping more."

"He sleeps a lot now," John responds, pointedly looking at our napping son. "I still have a hard time believing it sometimes."

"What?"

"That I'm a dad. That I have a baby," John tells me, his eyes searching mine for a reaction.

"I know! I find it hard to believe, too. It definitely is a big change. But we have each other, and we'll be okay," I assure him, and he nods. "How's the studio?"

"The studio," he says with an uninterested shrug.

Uh oh. John sounding listless about his work is not a good sign. I hope he's not using substances out of boredom like he told me he did in the past.

"Something wrong?" I ask to get him to talk.

John sighs and looks over at me.

"They're just being guys. I shouldn't let it get to me," he says, and I tilt my head in confusion.

"What's getting to you?" I ask and get another sigh.

"They're teasing me about the baby. And you," he confesses, and I partially sit up.

"Why would they do that? Both Simon and Nick have kids themselves," I argue.

"It's mostly Warren-"

"I don't like him," I state, and John lightly laughs.

"Well, he's not stopping. It's gotten rather annoying. Going on about nappies and prams and the like. Even said we should change the band name to Johnny and the Dirty Nappies."

"He's a fucking prick!" I hiss, which makes John's eyes grow wide.

"I do love your fire," John tells me, then leans over and kisses me.

Even as tired as I am, John's lips on mine light my fire. I return the kiss fervently, even letting my tongue reach for his. John groans as we kiss harder.

I break the kiss and mumble, "I want you."

"Baby, we can't."

"Please, John. I want to feel you."

"You just gave birth. Your privates are a bit beaten up from that. Plus, aren't you still bleeding?" John asks, his eyes looking into mine.

"Yeah," I sulk. "I just miss you. I want - no need - to feel you," I tell him, and he nods.