Revealing Kane

58 - Life Goes On

John and I have talked a lot since that big blowup with my Dad. We've gotten many things cleared and settled about our life together, including his decision to go to rehab. I think it will be good for him even if he is still slightly reluctant. I don't think it's about not wanting to go. I think he's scared.

John has lived the way he has for thirteen years. Close to half of his life. He knows it's not good for him and knows it upsets me, but habits die hard. I hope he can be successful at whatever they teach him in rehab.

He's decided to go soon after the holidays are over. Start the new year right. Because of that, we've also decided that Jack and I are staying in Pennsylvania. The rehab is in Arizona, so I'll be closer if he needs me. I'll continue working, and when he's done learning a new way to live, he'll come home to me here. Then we'll decide where to go.

We've discussed so many things, and I'm glad. We've even talked about moving to the States permanently. The way the paparazzi swarmed me in Hyde Park that day upset us both. In the States, we wouldn't have that or the fans on the front porch. We could be more anonymous. Our kids could grow up out of the spotlight and be normal kids. We've discussed where to live, maybe New York, maybe Los Angeles, but we have not yet decided. John thinks it is time to give the UK some distance. We'll be away from his parents, but we can visit.

That decision and many others are tabled until after he returns from rehab. He's nervous about going, mostly because change is always daunting, but two good friends of his are clean and they are encouraging him. In fact, John is going to fly to LA first to see both of them before entering the rehab. Who are they? Michael DesBarres, who is ten years sober and the former tour singer for The Power Station, and Steve Jones, who is one year sober and the singer and guitarist of The Sex Pistols. John will be in some great company if he succeeds.

As for my parents, I've not seen them since I moved the last of my things from their house. Mom is obviously devastated and understands why I'm avoiding them, even if she doesn't like it. If I'm going to stand by my husband, that means standing beside him when others attack. Including my family. Besides, I think it's Jack that Mom misses the most.

Christmas Day is cheerful and quiet, just me, Jack, and John in our little apartment. Mom wants to come over, as does Grammy, but I do not want Dad here. I'm not having him upset John for one second. I've had enough of his bullshit to last me the rest of my life. Maybe Dad should think about going to rehab himself.

Jack plays on the floor with some of his new toys while John and I are snuggled together on the couch. I'm back to feeling safe in his arms. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and hopefully, soon, his substance abuse will no longer taint our relationship. I hope John can learn how to live properly without altering himself.

We didn't spend much on Christmas because moving expenses can be high, especially if we move countries. But John gave me one of the most wonderful presents ever. He wrote me a song. It's utterly beautiful but heartbreaking. He said he wrote it while we were apart, and I can tell you those lyrics really pull at my heartstrings. He told me he will record it one day, but wanted me to have the lyrics. They are written in his handwriting and beautifully framed. He is definitely a romantic.

Look Homeward Angel

Look Homeward Angel
You've got to fly right back
You've got to clip your angels wings
And fly right back

Look to your limit baby
Your boundaries
Know that
What you have got baby is
All that you need

It's easy to take a plane
And you can keep your last name
It's easy to stay on top
Without ever being bored

The last thing that I would ever wannna do
Is try to hurt you little girl
The last thing that I would ever, I would ever, I would ever
The last thing that I would ever wannna do
Is try to hurt you little girl
The last thing that I would ever wannna do
I tell ya
The last thing I would
The last thing I would ever do
The last thing I would do

Don't disappear on me and I
Won't leave on you
We will find faith in one another
If we make up our minds

Let's put our past behind us
Our future ahead
Take a step together like we
Already were

So come on, come on
So come on, come on
Look Homeward Angel

Yeah, I cried when I read those words. John truly put his heart in those few words. I know he missed me, and I'm so glad we reconciled.

I'm just starting to nod off on John's chest when Jack lets out a playful shriek, startling me. John hugs me tighter and kisses my hair, trying to calm me. This is the John I fell in love with. Kind, gentle, and caring, not brash and rude. This is probably Nigel, as Grammy said, and he's wonderful. John has some good points, too, but he's not as likable. I hope the two can be harmonious in one skin.

Our baby girl is active. Kicking and moving about within me. John's hand rests on my belly so he can feel her, too. We are content just to be still together and enjoy our kids.

"I love you," John whispers and kisses my head again.

"Mama," Jack says as I feel his little hands on my leg. "Uppy."

I smile as I sit up and help Jack onto the sofa. He sits on the other side of John and snuggles in. I, too, get comfortable, even closing my eyes. John hums, and I lift my head to look into his eyes.

"I never knew family life could be so great. Thank you for showing me what real love and intimacy are like," John tells me and then lowers his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. "I love you," he tells me again, and I know he means it with every little piece of him.

We're going to be okay. I have to have faith and trust in my husband. Faith that he will do what he needs to be who he is supposed to be. Trust that we will move forward from here and be okay. Our love is strong, and it will be our guiding force. Always.