Revealing Kane

35 - Something's Amiss

I'm lying here watching my baby boy sleep. John is on the other side of Jack, also asleep. I'm marveling at how alike my two men are. Even in sleep, the likeness between them is uncanny. But that likeness worries me.

Don't get me wrong. I love how much Jack is like John. I love John, so to have another of him is fantastic. I worry that John's less likable parts have been handed down to Jack—especially his addictive behaviors. I guess only time will tell, though.

Things with John have been relatively okay. Not good or bad, just normal. He works. I take care of the baby. There have not even been any significant fights. John is just not here. Even when he's physically here, he's not mentally. Something is wrong, and I don't know what it is.

His thirtieth birthday was great. I had a little gathering here at the house to celebrate. John seemed happy that I'd thrown the party, but was he? It was nice to see his friends and his parents had come down, but John had seemed distant. As I said before, he's not here even when he's here.

I look over at John as he grumbles, shifts his position, and begins to snore. Loudly. I giggle at the noise, but let him go until Jack starts to fuss. I immediately reach over and give John a shove, hoping he rolls over and falls silent. Instead, his eyes fly open and focus on me.

"Did you push me?" he snaps, and I roll my eyes.

"You were snoring, and it was disturbing Jack," I tell him, but he scoffs at me.

John angrily rolls over - thank goodness - and yanks the covers up as he mumbles, "I do not snore."

I giggle again, but do not argue the point. Maybe sometime I'll record his nightly nose music to prove he does indeed snore. But that thought gives me the chills. Does John snore because he snorts cocaine? It's entirely possible. My mind begins to wonder what other kind of damage the drugs have done to his entire body. None of it can be good, and I hope it doesn't make him sick.

Jack soon begins to fuss in earnest, so I scoop him up and take him into the nursery. By the time I'm finished changing his diaper, he has wound himself up quite well. I settle into the rocking chair and offer him my breast, but he turns away. Why did he do that? I express some milk, and using my nipple, I wipe it on his lips. Again, he turns away and yells even louder. What is wrong?

I keep trying but with no success. Jack's face is bright red, his legs are pulled up into his stomach, and his little hands are balled into fists. I've never seen him cry this furiously. What is going on?

I get up and begin to walk as I lightly bounce him, something that usually soothes him. Only this time, it doesn't. I lightly sing to him, but he continues to scream. I'm getting worried now. What is wrong with my baby?

Then John appears in the doorway. His face is tired and worn, but he comes straight to me. He takes Jack from me and also tries walking and bouncing. The baby simply continues his agonizing screaming.

"What's wrong with him?" John asks as he paces and bounces.

"I don't know. I've never seen him like this."

"Did you feed him?"

"I tried, but he wouldn't take my breast," I explain as my anxiety rises.

"Should we call Mum? Take him to hospital?"

"I don't know. I'm really worried, John. Look at how red his face is," I prompt, and John does.

"Boy, he's mad. Maybe try feeding him again," John offers and hands Jack off to me.

I quickly sit in the rocker and offer Jack my breast. He nuzzles against me, so he is hungry, but he's not latching on. What is wrong? I look up at John with tears in my eyes.