Revealing Kane

53 - Feelings Are Good

As I wake the next morning, I realize John is still holding me. It used to feel nice to be in his arms. It used to make me feel so safe and loved. Now, it makes me feel uncertain.

I hear Jack in his crib and know I need to get up. I don't want to wake John, but there's no way to move without it. I still try moving slowly and quietly, yet I do wake him.

"Hi," he says and leans in to kiss me, but I abruptly pull away, getting out of bed.

"Ally," John sighs as I cross to Jack.

"Hi, Mama," Jack says as he stands and puts his arms up to me.

I giggle as I bring him to me and nuzzle his cheek. John is silent, his eyes on me as I change Jack's diaper. When I'm done, I sit Jack up and head for the door.

"Stay with Daddy. I'll be right back," I tell Jack and head to the bathroom.

I return a few minutes later to find John chatting away to Jack. It's nonsense, something about dogs and ducks, but it's adorable. John stops when I close the door, giving me a sour look.

"Are you still cross with me?" he asks.

"Are you still stupid?" I retort as I glare at him.

"I thought maybe you'd forgive me after last night," he whines.

"You thought wrong. I'm getting a shower," I snap and turn to leave.

"Allison," I hear and stop, but don't turn to face John. "What is going on? Why are you angry again?"

With those words, I turn and stalk towards John, letting him see my upsetment. I step beside the bed and see him cringe back slightly.

"I've never stopped being angry with you, John. So many things have changed or been ruined, and it's hard for me to deal with that. Do you know what I realized this morning? I no longer feel safe and loved when you hold me. I feel sad and unsure. You did that. You," I tell him, my voice strangled with my tears.

"I'm so sorry, Allison," John sadly says.

"I know you are!" I sharply respond and immediately regret it when I see John's face drop. "I'm sorry, John. I'm really struggling with this. It's one of the reasons why I want you to go back to London. I see what my crankiness is doing to you."

"Maybe I deserve your crankiness. I know I ruined loads between us. I know there's no quick fix. But I miss you something fierce. And I don't just mean sex. I mean you. My beautiful Ally," he says, and my eyes fill with tears again.

"I miss you, too," I whisper.

John says nothing. He simply gets out of bed and comes to me. He places his hands on my arms and looks into my eyes, begging me to let him touch me. I nod, and in an instant, he is hugging me tightly. And I break down crying. All the days and weeks of anger and sadness come pouring out of me in huge body-wracking sobs as I clutch onto John like he's my life preserver saving me from drowning. In many ways, that's what he's always been for me. John says nothing as he holds me tightly and rocks me like he does Jack.

After a few anguishing minutes, I pull away enough to look up at John. He gives me a gentle smile as he strokes my hair from my soaking wet face. This man has taken every single one of my nasty comments and snarks because he loves me. I do not doubt his love for me. My only doubt is his ability to be faithful to me. To our family.

"I will do anything to make this up to you. You name it, it's yours," John tells me.

"I know you will. I'm sorry I've been so bitchy."

"It's warranted."

"I don't want anything except us back. Our family. I want us to go back to the way it was before. I thought we were happy," I sob, starting to cry again.