Revealing Kane

51 - Communication

John

As Allison leaves her bedroom, I watch after her with tears in my eyes yet again. I love her, and yet I attempted to ruin us. Why do I sabotage my relationships like this? Why can't I just be happy?

I know we need to talk, even if I dread it. I fear we are going to decide to divorce. I don't want that, but Allison might. She's already said it. What will I do if she does?

It's all my fault. I'm not even sure why I was seeing Amanda. She's nothing compared to Allison and the life we share. So what if she was fun? So what if she liked getting fucked up? Allison loves me. Amanda might think she does, but it's not the same.

I grab my duffle bag and pull out clean clothes. As much as I don't want to, Allison and I need to discuss our future. I have to concede to her. If I even try to fight her, I will lose her. What she said to me upon my arrival is correct. I can't always get my way. I need to learn that to salvage my marriage.

Once I am ready, I look around the room. Allison's childhood bedroom, complete with her Duran Duran posters. It's strange to see my own pictures staring at me. Younger me is looking at me like, "What are you doing, you stupid twit?" I have to agree with him. I am a twit for doing this to Allison. Especially while she's pregnant.

I drag myself down the stairs and find Allison quietly talking to her Mom. I hear my name but do not butt into the conversation. Allison will have plenty to say to me very shortly. She turns and sees me, giving me a small smile. I know that means she's not happy with me, and as usual, I deserve it.

"Going now, Mom," she announces as she walks towards me.

I hurry to the front door and open it for her. She thanks me as she steps outside, and I follow her. She draws her coat a bit tighter around herself, then rubs her hands together.

"A bit nippy today," she says and starts out the sidewalk with me trailing behind her.

Once we're out in the street, I come alongside her as we walk. I miss her so much. I wish I hadn't hurt her again. I just want to feel and heal her. I know we have to start somewhere, and it has to be something small. So, I put my hand out to her. She looks from my open palm to my face and back to my palm. With a loud sigh, she slaps her hand into mine and gives me a wry smile. I pull her a little closer as we walk on.

"So... where do we start?" Allison asks without looking at me.

"I want to apologize, but I know that annoys you. Yet I want you to know that I messed up. Big time. I should never have been out with another woman, especially behind your back," I tell her, and she nods, taking in my words.

"It's the betrayal that hurts the most. I trusted you with my heart, and you threw it away," she tells me, and I hear her pain. "Why wasn't I enough?"

"You're more than enough," I argue. "I'm the lesser of the two of us. I did this. You did nothing wrong," I explain.

"Then why?" she asks, her voice trembling.

"I honestly don't know. I've asked myself the same question every day since you left, and all I can come up with is I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, you are," she states, and it shocks me so much that I nervously laugh.

We walk along in silence for a few minutes. I am gathering my thoughts, wanting to make sure I say everything I want to Allison. But I am also focused on her hand in mine. It feels so right. I can't believe we are so messed up at the moment, and it's all because of me and my philandering ways. What did she call me? A philandering fuck. Unfortunately, she's right.

"So, where should we go from here?" Allison asks, and I know what she's hinting at.

"Do you really think we should divorce?" I return, my heart constricting with the painful thought of losing this magnificent woman.