Revealing Kane

6 - Losing It

I cannot believe this is happening to me. Why did I have to get pregnant? It was just one time. Why did that night have to be when I was fertile? I am so mad at John for being so careless.

This is going to end my career. I'm just starting to gain momentum. Being pregnant will derail all of that. How will I ever regain the ground I will lose?

Damn it! I am so mad. And so scared. Am I ready to be a Mom? What will my parents say? How do I explain any of this to anyone? I need to talk to someone. But first, I've got to tell John. It wouldn't be right to keep this from him, no matter how much he thinks he's finished with our relationship and me.

I can't decide whether I should just show up at John's door or call Simon and ask him to have John meet me somewhere. Either way, the goal is to tell John my news. He has to know. Once I tell him, we can decide from there what we will do about it.

After a few days of deliberation, I've finally decided just to bite the bullet and go to John's. We need to talk somewhere private anyway, so his house is as good as any other place. John and I have so much to discuss. I will go over there after work today.

I step inside the main door of Models One Modeling Agency and greet the receptionist. She gives me a big smile and tells me that Diane is expecting me. I head back the hall to the President's office. I knock when I arrive at the mostly closed door and hear Diane invite me in. As I step into the room, I see Diane's face light up. She gets to her feet and comes toward me with her arms open. I step toward her, and she pulls me into a tight hug. I laugh a little as we pull apart. That was certainly an unexpected greeting.

"I am so glad we signed you," Diane gushes, and I agree. "Do you want to see the mock-up of your feature?" she then asks as we both settle at her desk. She picks up a large envelope.

Nervous excitement fills me as I watch her pull papers from the envelope. She looks at the top page with a fond smile and then hands the stack to me. My eyes go wide as I take in the first page. The photographer did a fantastic job! Yet I can see the melancholy in my eyes. I hope no one else notices. Diane gives me a few moments to look through the proposed pages, and I am floored. Everything looks perfect!

"The writer is still working on the article, but he was thrilled with the pictures. He told me something though that I was surprised to learn," Diane says, and the dread of what she's about to say slithers in my stomach. "You dated John Taylor? I wish I'd known. I would have had you two work together. He's not done any modeling since he broke up with Renee Simonsen."

"Wait, he modeled for you?" I ask, completely surprised.

"A bit. He did it to work with Renee. Maybe we can still get him to do a shoot with you," Diane offers, but I drop my eyes.

"I'm not sure he'd want to, but you can try. He's busy with his band and other things," I demurre, trying not to let my emotions overwhelm me.

"I'll see what I can do," Diane says cheerily as my brain goes into hyperdrive.

I imagine walking into a photo shoot and John being there, getting his hair and makeup done. I join him, and we awkwardly go through greetings. The entire thing would be uncomfortable. Me with my feelings for him, and him with none for me. It would be stilted and agonizing. The pictures would be posed and uneasy. It would never work in the state we're in. Especially once I tell him I'm pregnant.

"Have you ever seen their feature? It was fabulous," Diane says, bringing me from my thoughts. I look toward her and shake my head.

"I have it here somewhere," Diane hesitates as she looks through a bookshelf full of magazines behind her. "Ah! Here!" she gleefully shouts and turns to me.

As I take the magazine from Diane, my eyes fall on the cover photo. Renee nuzzles John's cheek, her gloved hand cupping his face, while he cheekily winks at the camera. They looked so happy and in love four years ago. I doubt any pictures taken with the two of us together would look that fantastic.

I start to hand the magazine back, but Diane prompts me to turn to the article. What she doesn't know is seeing John is making my stomach turn. I miss him, and I certainly don't want to see him happy with anyone else. Yet I thumb through the magazine until I find the article. John looks so handsome with his long, dark mullet. Renee looks utterly gorgeous. The chemistry between them is obvious. I can't do this. I'm going to be sick.

I hand the magazine to Diane and don't say anything as I hurry down the hall to the ladies' room. I get to the toilet, gagging and retching, but nothing comes up. This pregnancy is already so stressful. I need to get to John to tell him. Maybe that will ease my anxiety.

After slurping up some water and rinsing my mouth, I return to Diane's office. She looks concerned about my sudden flight. I assure her I'm okay, yet she seems uncertain. I really hope I can hide this pregnancy, or my career will be over faster than it started. And that makes my anger with John return.

Diane sends me to my next job, which is an advertisement photo shoot for Benetton. My image could soon be everywhere Benetton places ads. Billboards. Magazines. Possibly even TV commercials. Diane said they like my innocent aura. I wonder how they will feel about me when I'm an unwed, several months pregnant teenager?

After the shoot, I'm starving, so I find myself some comfort food at McDonald's. And while I eat, I prepare myself for seeing John. It's definitely time to tell him. I can't put this off any longer. It's time he knows he's going to be a father.