Revealing Kane

25 - Empty

John

As I walk away from the house, I know I am destroying everything I have with Allison. But didn't she just break off our engagement? She took off the ring. Yet, I know I pushed her to it. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe we just can't be together.

My heart pangs at the thought of losing Allison. I do love her. And the baby. God, I am such an idiot! Why am I throwing away the two best things in my life? Am I simply not ready for that sort of existence? Too grown up and mature for me?

Do I go home and try to fix things with Allison? Nope. I first go to a nearby pub, do a couple of shots, and score some blow. Then I'm off to the club. I drink, I dance, I snort, I flirt, but it doesn't lighten my mood. Allison stays firmly planted in my mind. But maybe she's supposed to be.

I slump into a corner booth and ponder my life. Why am I choosing this - drinking, drugging, partying - over Allison and the cozy life we have? Why do I feel the need to be the life of the party? Need to be out and having fun? Why can't I just stay in and be content with an almost normal life? Because I'm John Taylor, damn it! I have a reputation and lifestyle to uphold! Back to the party!

It is well after two am when I stumble into the house. It's dark and quiet, so I suspect Allison is in bed. I don't want another swat with the cricket bat, so I have to be quiet. I put my things away, and as I drop my keys onto the table, I see Allison's ring. I pick it up and stare at it. I loved her so much when I gave her this. I still do. But for some inexplicable reason, I can't stand the thought of settling down. I'm only 29, and I'm a damn famous rockstar. Why should I live such a mundane life? To have Allison? She should mold to my life, not the other way round. But hasn't she? Until tonight, she never really questioned me or my life choices.

I pocket the ring and start for the stairs. I need to see Allison. Only my drunken state makes the stairs damn tricky. I somehow make it to the top and stagger into the master bedroom. It's dark, so I flick on the light. My eyes go to the bed, and I instantly panic. Allison isn't in bed. Where is she? I turn and stumble into the hall. I go into the nursery - Sterling's former room and where we made the baby - and it is also empty. The guest room is just as barren. Where could she be?

"Allison?" I call as I confusedly stagger back to the master bedroom. "Where are you?"

I hear my words, and they are slurry. I've gone and gotten completely fucked up, and Allison is gone. I go to her wardrobe and yank open its doors. Empty. To her dresser. Empty. Her things are even gone from the nightstand on her side of the bed.

"Allison!" I yell, knowing it's futile.

In a panic, I try to rush downstairs and almost tumble down the stairs. I hang on to the banister and manage to make it down safely. I hurry to the kitchen. The dinner Allison made for us is cold and untouched on top of the stove right where I watched her put it. Why didn't she eat? She knows she has to feed the baby. And where is she?

"Allison!" I bellow again, but it's no use.

Allison is gone.

I slump into the chair at the table where I should have sat to eat that meal tonight. But no, I had to be an asshole and go out. Allison wanted me to stay, and I didn't. Why do I sabotage myself like this? And why didn't I take Allison's threats to heart? It's obvious she's left me just as she said she would. Why didn't I care enough to stay and fix the damage?

I have to find Allison. I can't let her just disappear from my life again. We have a baby to raise. Is that the only reason I want her? Of course not! I love her dearly. I can't stand being apart from her. But I can't reconcile the life I have with the life I should have. Why is that?

Where would Allison go? There's only one place I can think of—the LeBon's. I need to get Allison back. Bring her home where she belongs. And even though it's almost three in the morning, I pick up the phone and ring Simon's house. It takes several rings, but someone finally picks up.

"Hallo?" a groggy and gravelly voice says.

"Simon, hey. I know it's late-"

"It's eight to three, John. What do you want?" Simon snaps.

"I can't find Allison. Is she there?"

"No. Why the fuck would Allison be here? She lives with you," Simon complains.

"We had a row, and she's gone."

"Well, she's not here," Simon snarls, and the line goes dead.

I hang up the phone and drudge back to my chair at the table. Allison. I need her. She can't be gone from my life. With that thought, I flop my head onto my arms and simply begin to cry. I can't lose Allison, but I have no idea where she has gone. She is my everything. But it seems I have lost her. Possibly for good. What if she does go back to the States this time? I am such a fucking idiot!

I wake with a start and look around. Was I sleeping on the kitchen table? Where is Allison that she would let me do that? I stumble to my feet. Whoa! The room tilts momentarily, and I grab the back of the chair to steady myself. My head is pounding terribly, so I go to the kitchen cabinet where I keep the paracetamol. I take two tablets and retreat upstairs to go back to bed. Maybe cuddle a little with Allison.

When I shuffle into the bedroom, the first thing I notice is the curtains aren't drawn. That's strange. Allison always shuts them. I look at my watch. It's after eight am, so maybe she's up already. I glance into the bathroom and see it empty. Hmmm. Maybe Ally has already left for the day. But why wouldn't she wake me? And wouldn't I have heard her?

I strip out of my clothes and slip under the covers. I'll just sleep off this headache. Perhaps by the time I wake, Allison will be home. I no sooner close my eyes when I slam them back open. Memories from the night before fill my head. Allison isn't gone for the day. She's gone for real. She left me last night because I was being an ass. Again. I have to find her before I lose her forever. But where has she gone?