Revealing Kane

26 - Heartache

I'm lying in bed in an expensive hotel suite, crying my eyes out. I've been crying off and on for hours now. I'm so devastated that John and I are over. And even worse, he doesn't even care.

I thought for sure he would come back and beg me to stay. Apologize, and we would move on. Yet he didn't. I don't know if he even came home last night or spent the night with someone else. He made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. That he wants to be free of me. So, I packed up all of my stuff and left. He probably won't even miss me.

I don't understand how he could think that our relationship would affect the band. Like Duran Duran would fail if he got married. Is he serious? If the fans are that fickle, then is it all worth it? To never have the life that you want because you fear it will end your career seems ludicrous. Besides, even if his career with Duran does end, can't he work as a solo artist? And doesn't he have enough money to live on? I'm just so confused.

The baby must sense I'm upset because it's been very still. I hope I'm not harming it in some way. I wouldn't want something to happen because I'm so distraught. But I can't help it. I love John, but he doesn't love me back.

I've been trying to decide when it all went wrong. Once John and I got back together, he was so happy. He swore that he loved me and couldn't live without me. That the time apart was the worst time of his life. He was thrilled when we began living together. He was excited I was pregnant. And then it all turned. He became depressed and moody. But what was it that changed?

Italy. It started after we returned from Italy. Did something happen within the band that I don't know about? Or was it because we got engaged there? I don't know, but that seems to be when it all started to go badly. All John has told me is he feels conflicted because he loves me and Duran. I don't understand why he thinks he can only love one of us.

I don't know if I can stay in London this time. I think I might need to go home to the States. If I stay here, John will try to reconcile with me again. I'm not sure I can take any more heartbreak at his hands. I love him so much, though. How am I supposed to move on?

Maybe it was rash to take all of my stuff from the house. Maybe I should have just left and come back to talk later. But what is there to talk about? I feel like John didn't care when I broke our engagement. I waited for hours before I left, hoping he would come home. Only he didn't. That spoke more to me than his anger. He doesn't really care about me or the baby. Maybe he never did.

No! I know he loved me. He was so ecstatic at my news. He went to incredible lengths to get me back. We were so happy and so in love. And then it all started to fall apart.

Maybe we're just not meant to be together. Maybe we won't work out. But how can I feel so much for him, feel so connected to him, and it not be destiny? I feel like John is the only man I will ever be happy with. I can't live without him. The problem is I'm not sure he feels the same way.

I sit in the borrowed bed, wishing I were home with John. I miss the days when we would lie in bed talking, laughing, and enjoying one another. But lately, between my work and John's moods, we haven't been able to do that. Maybe that's where we went wrong. We're both missing that connection.

I have a shoot today, so I get up and go into the bathroom. I look at my reflection. I look exactly how I feel - tired and stressed. Well, I can do nothing about it, so I turn on the shower.

I'm soon under the warm water, washing my hair and thinking. Thinking about John. Does he miss me? Does he even know I've left? I wish I had a way to check in with him. Maybe I'll go to the house after work. Give us a chance to talk. Yet I was the one that went to him last time. Maybe I should make him come after me this time. Then again, he would have no idea where to find me.