Revealing Kane

5 - Missing Pieces

A week has now gone by since John ended our relationship. And I've been gone from the LeBon's for a few days, too. I am truly on my own in London now. It's not terrible, as I'm trying to stay busy, but I feel like something is missing. Maybe it's simply John.

I still miss him so much. A part of me wants to go to his house and beg for him to take me back, but I know he doesn't want that. He made that painfully clear that night. You will regret this night for the rest of your life, he had snarled at me, and his words were prophetic. I do regret losing him. Why couldn't I just say I love you too?! Such an idiot.

At least my modeling is keeping me going. I'm very busy with loads of photo shoots, but I feel listless. Like my verve for life has gone. Maybe John truly was my inspiration, and now that he's gone, I've lost that. Possibly forever, just like John.

I know I sound pathetic, but I just miss John so much. If he only knew what I really feel for him, we wouldn't be apart and suffering like this. Maybe I should just go see him. Tell him the truth about my feelings for him and see how he reacts. I don't know, though. I'm so afraid he'll reject me again.

I'm at a photo shoot, preparing for my next outfit when it strikes. A twinge of nausea runs through me. What was that? I am usually very stolid and rarely get sick. It is almost Mid-September. Maybe I've gotten a cold or something. The feeling passes, and I go on about my work, yet I know something isn't right.

A few days later, I'm in the grocery store picking up a few items for dinner. As I stroll along the aisles, I come across the feminine products. Out of habit, I reach for a box of tampons. Then, a shudder of fear runs through my entire body. When did I last have my period? It feels like it's been forever. I'm no longer a virgin, but John and I used condoms, so everything should be fine.

Another jolt runs through me. There's one time that he didn't use protection. The night he drugged me. And that mess was weeks ago. I know I haven't had my period since then. Oh my God. What if I'm pregnant?

My skin is tingling with anxiety as I move down the aisle to find the pregnancy tests. I peruse the items, feeling conspicuous and embarrassed. I feel like I'm announcing to everyone that I've had unprotected sex. I look around the store, and when I'm sure no one is looking, I pick up a box of tests.

My cheeks burn hot as I check out, but the cashier seems unaffected by my purchase. How could I have let this happen? I feel so careless and stupid. I pay for my items and hurry out of the store.

I'm an absolute ball of nerves by the time I reach my apartment. I put away the few groceries I bought and then stand in the little kitchen, staring at the test box. I can't believe this. I might be pregnant. How the hell was I so irresponsible?

I open the package and read the directions. It says for the best results, use your first morning urine. Just great. Do I really have to wait that many hours until I know? I will be a wreck by then. Maybe I should take the test now and retest in the morning if I get a negative. I decide that's the best course and head into the bathroom.

I open the box and empty its contents into the bathroom sink. Two foil-wrapped tests lay there, staring at me like I should have been more careful. But I was careful. It was John who had been reckless, and now I might have a dilemma on my hands.

I pick up the information packet and turn to the page with the step-by-step instructions. I carefully read the process, and I soon realize it
is fairly simple. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out, knowing that in less than five minutes, I will know if my entire life is going to change.

I follow the instructions carefully, making sure I am precise and cautious. When I'm done, I look at my watch to note when three minutes will be up. Then, I sit on the edge of the tub to wait.

While I await my fate, my mind, of course, turns to John. What if I am pregnant? How would he feel about that? He told me one of the reasons he broke it off with Renee was because she wanted a baby, and he didn't. What would he say if I told him I was pregnant? He would probably be upset. He might even ask me to abort the baby. But can I do that? I'm not sure I could. And I'm only eighteen. Would I be a good mother? This is such a mess.

But what if I tell John and he's happy I'm pregnant? We could end up back together, and that would be wonderful. I miss him so much and would love for us to reconcile. Maybe a baby would help us get there.

I look at my watch. It's been five minutes, so the test results should definitely be ready. I get to my feet and walk to the sink where all the test paraphernalia lies. I first pick up the pamphlet and once more go over how to read the results. Then, with shaking hands, I pick up the test stick. I stare at it. Then stare some more. I snatch up the pamphlet and compare my test results to the drawings of the results. My results are pretty definite. I sigh in utter defeat as I drop my hands to the sink, letting the items fall into the bowl.

I need to see John. I'm pregnant.