Revealing Kane

21 - Chaos

John

God, do I hate the way I snap and snarl at Allison. It makes me feel even worse than I already do. She is so in love with me, and I can't stand the thought of hurting her. Maybe I should let her go before I hurt her anymore? Yet I can't stand to be away from her. What should I do?

Christmas is in two weeks, and I really want to do it up for Allison. It will be our first Christmas together, and I want to make it special. But money is tight, and I'm not sure I can afford all I want to do. It's part of the reason that I'm so down. I can't give Ally all I want to because the band is flailing at best.

I have to go to New York to do more promo work soon. I honestly don't want to, as my heart isn't in it. I should have left the band years ago, but I let Nick convince me to stay. It might have been a fatal mistake. I'm just not happy in the band anymore. Isn't that sad? The band that I helped form no longer excites me. I can't stand my life. I would never end it. No, I'm not suicidal. I would just... change it. Make it better. Make it different.

Isn't that already happening with Allison? I have her and the baby. They are the reason I keep forging ahead. Keep working so I can support them. Yet, I can't share that happiness with the fan base. No, never. They would turn on me and, therefore, the band, and sales would be even more dismal than they already are.

To make matters worse, the royalties barely cover my expenses anymore. We've only just started working on the new album, so that cash flow is a way off. Having three houses in three countries is quickly draining my coffers. I rarely go to the Paris house and the New York apartment, so maybe I should sell them? Use that money to pay my debts. But I use them when we go to those cities with the band. Why, next week, the entire band is staying at my New York apartment to save on the hotel fees to the record company. Less spent means more profit and more profit means more payments to us in the band. I've got to do something to stay afloat.

My mind is a jumble when I leave for court. I'm certain I will lose my license, and then what? For example, how will I get Allison to hospital when the baby's ready to be born? Take a cab? That's ridiculous. I reckon I should have thought of that before I drank and drove. But I'd done it so many times before. All it takes is that one time to mess up your entire life.

The gavel drops. I've been fined £250 and lost my license for a year. A year! How am I going to get through this? And how will I care for a wife and child without a license? I'm a real idiot. I can't believe this has happened. And I take the first of what will be many cabs back to the house.

I'm a right mess when I get home. And Allison's not even here to comfort me. I thought I asked her to make my favorite dinner. So where is she? I stalk about the house, annoyed and angry at my circumstances. And my damn fiancée isn't even around when I need her. Why not?!

I'm sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of wine - on an empty stomach - when I hear the front door open. I'm on my feet and going in that direction immediately and meet Allison halfway. She's carrying two grocery bags and looks surprised by my presence.

"You're home already? How'd it go?" she asks with a smile on her face and hope in her voice.

"Utter shit," I snarl and tell her the details.

I watch her face change as she hears the news. She's unhappy about the decision. I've disappointed her again. I follow her into the kitchen, where she unpacks the shopping. She has bought the things to make dinner, as promised. At least Allison keeps up her end of the bargain. Me, I'm useless other than as the face of the band. And right now, I'm not even sure I could do that well.

"When do you leave for New York?" Allison asks, probably to keep the conversation going on a different topic.

"In a few days," I sullenly tell her.

"Well, that will be fun. Spend some time with your friends," she says, and I look at her.

This woman - the one I've chosen to spend my life with - is more than I could ask for. She is smart and beautiful and often sees the good in both situations and people. I don't deserve her. How could she love someone who messes up so regularly?

Allison does make my favorite meal, and I'm glad. We sit side by side as we eat it and talk, mostly about her career. She's become quite a famous model, and I'm proud of her. Even if I think I'm not good enough for her, I love her like mad.

Nick, Simon, and I head to New York at the weekend. We are here to promote our new single and our greatest hits album. We have interviews and TV shows to do, so we'll be quite busy. Only, I'm not feeling it. I'm uninterested. My mind is too much of a muddled mess. But I will do my duty.

We take a hired car to the CNN office building. There, Simon and I will tape an interview to be aired later. The vehicle pulls to the curb, and we begin to get out. I hear the shouts of the paparazzi as the others exit. I am the last to get out. As I straighten up, a reporter with a film crew and a young girl push towards me.

"John! John! What do you say to this girl's allegations that you are the father of her unborn baby!" the press hound excitedly asks.

"What?" I say, too dumbstruck to think straight.

"John, you know the baby is yours. We've been seeing each other for months. You've even been round to my parents for dinner," the young girl says.

To my horror, the girl looks vaguely familiar. I don't rightly remember if we've met. Might she be someone I hooked up with before I met Allison? Wasn't I always careful? It's been too long since my last random encounter for this girl to be pregnant with my child. It's simply not possible, as this girl doesn't even look pregnant.

"I don't-"

Next thing I know, I'm being jostled inside the building by Nick and Simon. Once we are away from the paparazzi, I thank them, but they are none too pleased with me.

"You don't answer that sort of thing. You know better, John," Nick scolds.

"Yeah, mate. You don't need that sort of thing escalating out of control. Do you know the girl?"

"I honestly don't know," I say, and both of them look aghast.

"You don't know?" Nick says, sounding annoyed and judgmental. "Are you serious? How can you not know?"

I don't have an answer for them. The girl looks slightly familiar, but that means nothing. I could've run into her on the street. The main thing is I've not had any casual sex since July when I met Allison. That was five months ago. That girl on the street wasn't even slightly showing. There's just no way.

My mind is running rampant on this pregnancy allegation even as Simon and I sit in front of the cameras for the interview. I'm distracted, and I'm sure it shows. Simon looks at me more than once to bounce things off me, but my mind is gone. I'm worried about the accusation being true and what it would mean for me. But mostly what it would do to Allison. I know it would devastate her.

At one point, the interviewer asks what my highlight of the last ten years of our career is. And I have not a clue. I fumble my way through a non-answer, some rubbish about nothing, really, and I know I sound idiotic. Simon looks at me like I've gone mental. Maybe I have. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is my life such a shambles? It's obvious all my behavior over the years is coming home to roost. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll survive it.

I've got to get home to Allison. She'll get my head on straight. She is my saving grace. Without her, I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing. Something not good for me, to be sure.